A List of Thoughts After Deciding to Clean My Apartment
1. I haven't actually decided when yet, but it's safe to say that the decision was made.
2. This means my apartment is still messy.
3. Which means I still have fleas.
4. Yes, fleas. You can blame my pussy.
5. My CAT, you pervert.
6. Things have been going so well for us lately. Leeloo has been acting like a changed feline. He/she hasn't been nagging me, or complaining about how late I stay out...we've even started sleeping in the same bed again. It reminds me of when we were young, like virgins, being touched for the first time...but after such blissful cohabitation, we got into our first argument in weeks.
"I have fleas, Leeloo."
"HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF THAT."
"I have not been petting other cats."
"I've been out late because I've been working. You know, that thing I do to earn money for us so we can live comfortably."
"That tabby? The tabby next door?"
"Well of course I "automatically" thought of him. HE'S THE ONLY TABBY IN OUR APARTMENT COMPLEX. And I looked at him once."
"Oh, now I was gazing? No. I was glancing. It was an acknowledgement, not a cat call."
"I do not think he's in better shape than you. You look great. Especially in that fur coat you wear. It's ---"
"Please let me finish speaking. I have ---"
"QUIT INTERRUPTING ME."
"Whatever. The bottom line is you gave me fleas."
"How long have you had fleas? Was this before or after we moved in together?"
"Either you got fleas from someone else and have kept it a secret from me, or you got fleas while you were here living with me, which means you have been unfaithful."
"THEN HOW'D YOU GET FLEAS?"
"Fine, deny it. Is there anything else you are keeping from me? Herpes, perhaps?"
7. I regretted the herpes comment as soon as I spoke with a friend the other day.
"Sorry I called you back so late, I had to go to the vet with one of my friends."
"Oh yeah? How was the vet?"
"Well my friend said her cat had been acting different, which is why we went. Turns out her cat has chlamydia."
"Yeah! Can you believe that?!"
"I didn't know animals could even get STDs."
"That's a shame."
"What's a shame? That her cat has chlamydia? Or that animals can get sexually transmitted diseases?"
"Neither. It's a shame that they named an STD "Chlamydia." If you think about it, it'd make a really pretty girl's name."
"Errrr I mean YEAH, POOR CAT!"
8. I went home and apologized to Leeloo.
"I'm sorry I asked you if you had herpes. Some cat ---"
"No, not a cat I know, it's a cat of a cat's. Anyway, apparently she has chlamydia."
"What's a shame? That the cat has chlamydia?"
"I know, right! That's exactly what I said!"
"Well, we doooooo live alone...if you ever have kittens, we could probably get away with naming one of them Chlamydia. It's not like anyone would know."
"Why would we have to tell your mother? Why do you have to pull her out of the bag for everything?"
"I didn't say anything bad about your mother. It just doesn't make sense that you always include her in our personal problems."
"You know what, I've had enough. Let's be honest, shall we? YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW YOUR MOTHER."
"Fine. Take the bed. I don't care. I prefer the floor, anyway."
9. Forty-six flea bites and counting.
10. Actually, I'm not counting. I stopped after forty-six - which is also a lie.
11. I gave up once I got to eighteen.
12. I'm lying again.
13. I gave up at two.
14. But I assure you, there are at least fifty flea bites on my body. I'd take the time to count them if I wasn't too busy scratching them. Plus, I'm typing.
15. I inspected Leeloo and the only place I could find any fleas were on the top of his/her head. This was both pleasing and perturbing. Pleasing because the fleas weren't as widespread as I thought they were; perturbing because if they tend to gravitate toward certain areas for specific reasons, this means there is some unknown similarity between my cat's skull and my groin area.
16. Don't worry though, because I am now cleaning my apartment.
17. Remember number 12?
18. Now please refer to number 11.