A History of Break-Ups

"They had a really bad break-up."

Oh, did they. Well that's just too bad because most people have good break-ups, don't they? I know I have! I know ALL of my break-ups have just went wonderfully. They have been really, really GOOD. I feel so sorry that someone else's break-up was "bad" because that just sucks when a break-up doesn't go as well as planned, DOESN'T IT. Doesn't. That. Just. Suck.

COME ON. I can't be the only one here who has heard someone say they had a "bad" break-up. Silly me, thinking all this time that ALL break-ups were "bad," when really, this whole time, people have apparently been having good ones! And that a bad one is worth pointing out since it's such a rare, rare occasion! Oh, how naive I have been, thinking that being a dumper or a dumpee is always going to be a bad thing, that nothing about that situation can be seen as "good." I have got to stop looking at the glass half-empty and start reanalyzing the break-ups I have been through and find the good in them! Because you can find the good in anything! Isn't. That. RIGHT.

James Jones-2003

Being the preteen bitch that I was (seriously. bitch scale. 1 to 10. I was a 10. AND A HALF.), I decided that the best time to break up with my boyfriend would be on the field trip we had all been looking forward to for the past month to...the rollerskating rink! “Yes,” I thought, “yes, I shall be a decent person and break up with him to his face. I’m not going to do the petty, cowardly shit and do it in a note. I’m 13 now and am mature enough to be able to look someone in the eye and end it.” So, being the little saint that I thought I was being, I awkwardly skate on over to him and tell him I just want to be friends. I was trying to do a good thing, really. Sure, he was standing with all 6 of his guy friends and they were all looking at me while I publicly announced that I was dumping his ass, but I did it to his face, didn’t I? That was a good thing! It was decent! And mature! And then, did I linger there? Did I stand there waiting for him to cry? To beg for me back? No! I didn’t even wait for a response! I skated on off, bobbing my head back and forth to “Stacey’s Mom.” (She's got it goin’ on, ya know.) That was a good thing I did! I was doing him a favor! And then a good friend of mine had the decency to skate up next to me and say (in the most dramatic way possible):

“Natasha...the necklace.”

I looked down. The necklace he had given me that I had oh-so-religiously worn every single day was still dangling from my neck.

“Oh...right.”

And you know, everything was dandy as fuck until I took that thing off. And then I cried. But crying is a good thing! It lets it all out! Helps you to get over it! I have finally realized what a good break-up that was!

Ken Woods-2006

Ken and I had been dating for a week. It was one of those things that took forever to finally happen, and when it did everyone knew it was coming. And when I say everyone knew it was coming, I mean as soon as he asked me to be his girlfriend, about 7 of our friends emerged out of nowhere shouting, “GO KEN! YOU FINALLY DID IT!” I’m not exaggerating. Hugs were given. Cheeks were blushing. (Okay, so they were just my cheeks that were blushing but it’s still cheeks since I have two of them, making it plural.) If my life were a musical we would have all started dancing and bursting into song.

“Locker love! Locker love!

They fell in love at his locker!

Locker love! Locker love!

Now he’ll try the shocker!”

But this could never be a musical. Because only a week later he dumped me, and musicals don’t believe in things “not going your way.”

“Do you think we’d be better off as friends?”

“What?”

“Don’t you think so?”

“Um no.”

“No?”

“No.”

“No?”

“Are you breaking up with me right now?”

“Well do you think we should just be friends?”

“No.”

“No?”

“Do you?”

“Yes.”

“So you’re breaking up with me?”

“Do you think we should break up?”

“No. I don’t.”

“You don’t?”

“NO, KEN I DO NOT.”

“So you don’t want to just be friends?”

“Do you?”

“Yeah.”

“Then you are breaking up with me.”

"Am I?"

"Yes, Ken. You are."

“I’m sorry.”

“Goodbye, Ken.”

What has been deemed as The Most Ridiculous Conversation Of My Entire Life ended with me walking into class and publicly announcing to everyone that I had just been dumped. I know that’s not the norm, but that was the first time I had been dumped in my life and I was pretty fucking pissed about it.

“KEN JUST BROKE UP WITH ME, EVERYBODY! JUST SO EVERYONE KNOWS I WAS JUST DUMPED! THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND ATTENTION!”

After that class I ran into him in the hallway.

“Natasha, I’m really sorry. Please give me another chance. I don’t want to break up.”

I don’t know what caused him to change his mind in a matter of 55 minutes, but I believe in second chances and so I gave it another shot.

Only to be dumped a week later. In a voicemail.

But this was a good thing! Because at least in a voicemail he can’t see my reaction! He can’t see me throw shit at the walls or cry or whatever it is people do when they’re told they’re not wanted anymore! Alas! The way to break up IS in a voicemail! And all this time I was thinking that wasn’t civil...when it’s really quite, quite good!

Jack Stevens-2006

I had a huge TEST that day, and what did he do? What did he do as he walked me to the class I was about to take a huge TEST in? He held me hand, that’s what he did. He held my hand-

and he dumped me.

Guys of the world, do not, under any circumstances, hold your girlfriend’s hand as you break up with her. Because one, her hands will start sweating; two, she’ll desperately not want to let go, which could very likely make for an incredibly awkward situation; and three, IT’S FUCKED UP ON SO MANY DIFFERENT LEVELS.

Not to mention the fact that I had a huge test to attend to immediately after that.

A test I ended up making a 17 on.

A test I took that marked the first moment in my life I had ever cried in public.

A test I took next to a girl who discreetly handed me a tissue every 4 minutes.

But this was a good thing! How convenient was it that the girl sitting right beside me had tissues! It was fate! It was meant to be! That's right, I was meant to be dumped that day! Yeah! THAT'S what it is! Yeah! I WILL keep telling myself that! The best thing was she was more than willing to give me the lot of those tissues! And not the cheap kind that hurt your nose, I’m talkin' the good kind! I’m talkin' the Kleenex kind!

(Why the fuck she had that many tissues, I’ll never know. But I will forever be thankful for them.)

Michael Fey-2009

"Hey, can you take me to the pawn shop today?"

"No, I'm at play rehearsal right now."

Click.

After being ever-so-rudely hung up on, I decided to send a text to put that guy right where he belonged.

Don't hang up on me.

To which he responded:

Fuck you I'm done.

And that was it. After 2 years of dating.

But that was a good thing! Because who even likes going to the pawn shop?! They're ugly and creepy and boring and I absolutely hate them! I'd rather be dumped any day than have to go to a fucking pawn shop, making the end of this relationship a what? A good THING!

And so now I have finally been able to see the good in what I have always thought were bad break-ups. Foolish me, they weren’t bad at all! Not a bit! Not a tad! Not a smidge! I wish I could break up with people all the time! I wish I could date someone JUST so I can be dumped! Because oh, how good it can go! How splendid! How wonderful! How joyous and grand and happy and great and COMPLETELY FUCKED UP. (but in a good way, of course!)