Beckham's Bunions

This fall semester, I'm enrolled in English 4980: Lord of the Rings. Frodo Baggins's résumé now includes: defeated a cave troll, protected the One Ring to rule them all, and allowed Natasha Ferrier to graduate from college.

(Not to mention his ability to secrete copious amounts of estrogen when caught in a slow-motion pillow fight.)

Part of me wants to show up for the first day of class in costume, preferably as a dwarf, but this involves money. The other part of me knows it would be much cheaper to just go as a hobbit. All I'd have to do is not shave my feet for a week and then go to class barefoot. 

And you think I'm kidding.

Alright, so I'm kidding. I don't have hobbit feet. But I do have hobbit toes, which basically means that if Danny DeVito and Bilbo Baggins had a baby, it would be me.

+

   

=

(Translation):

Hobbit foot + Danny DeVito's infamous "troll foot" = Bill Murray's approval. (Not pictured: My toes. Which he is pointing at.)

AND NOW I AM GOING OFF ON A BRIEF TANGENT: 

To find a photo of DeVito's frequently tweeted foot, I googled "celebrity feet." This led me to a 15-minute youtube video of The Top Ten Celebrity Feet, according to a mister Foot McFetish. After watching one minute and thirty-seven second's worth of Sarah Michelle Gellar's heels, accompanied by some excuse for a techno song, I stopped watching the video and started reading the comments. Many people complained about stars who were not featured in the video, to which Foot McFetish responded:

"[They] would have made the list if it wasn't for Sarah Michelle Gellar and Jennifer Aniston who I put on the list because they were the first women who's feet I used to look at when I was younger."

A few comments later, all consisting of complaints about whose toes had been neglected, a mister Adam chimed in:

"You're all freaks."

Thank you, Adam. But you must keep in mind that you are also one of the 31,674 people who will never get that 15 minutes of their life back.

I started reading another article that began with the shocking news that Victoria's Beckham's love for stilettos led her to a battle with bunions, and then it hit me: if I died right now, this is where I would be found. 

My Coroner's Report

Who: Natasha L. Ferrier

What: Covered in fleas

When: Four in the fucking morning

Where: In a pile of empty plastic bags that she allegedly was using as seat cushions

Why: Beckham's bunions

AND NOW I AM ENDING MY TANGENT AND PRETENDING LIKE FOOT MCFETISH DID NOT PLAY A MAJOR ROLE IN MY LIFE JUST THEN:

However, no one seems to think I would make a good dwarf, hobbit, or love child. Yes, this has come up in conversation.

"Our server forgot to bring us napkins."

"It's okay, I saw where they kept them when we walked in. I'll just sneak over there and grab them real quick..."

(I stealthily dash off and return with a handful of napkins.)

"Why do you walk like that every time you try to be sneaky?"

"Walk like what?"

Like James Bond, I'm sure you mean.

"Like Gollum."

Or maybe you meant like a malnourished munchkin who looks like he's been soaking in the bathtub for eleven years.

"GOLLUM?"

"Ol' Smeagol over here!"

"I do not look like Gollum."

"Ahahaha - but really. You do. Every time you sneak off somewhere, you hunch over really low...and kinda...like...wrinkle your face up."

"I GOT THE NAPKINS WITHOUT HIM SEEING ME, DIDN'T I?"

"I didn't say he saw you!"

"Actually he saw me."

"Did he?"

"Yeah. This didn't matter a minute ago when I thought I looked like an undercover BADASS. Turns out I looked more like I was roaming around mistaking a stack of paper napkins for my precious."

"I'm just sayin. You look like Gollum."

Based on this conversation, no one would have believed me if I told them that only a week before, I had been deemed Mufasa. Do you hear me? MU-FUCKIN-FASA. How I went from King of the Savannah to Genetically-Modified Prune is beyond me.

...at least I don't have bunions.