Hurl Like Garth

I remember the days when I got up in the morning for school and showered.

Those days are gone.

I remember the days when I got up in the morning for school and put on mascara with my mouth gaping open because for some unknown reason you cannot tend to the hair on your eyelids without your jaw hanging open like Lassie. I can't explain it, and neither can anyone else.

Those days? Also gone.

I remember the days when I got up in the morning for school and physically put on clothes.

Those days went capeesh.

The days when I did my hair?

Capoosh.

The days when I brushed my teeth for longer than 23 seconds?

Capish.

The days when I knew what a mirror was and why I needed one?

Casplash.

I've been in school for a good 13 years now and the truth is, I have no one left to impress. I see the same people every damn day. I've seen these people every damn day for at least 4 years now. I don't notice how they look and I was 100 percent positive they didn't notice how I looked.

The days where I was 100 percent positive my fellow peers didn't notice how I looked?

Gone.

"Hey Natasha!"

"Hey Gail! How are---"

"MAN you look tired!"

Okay. What am I, an idiot? Everyone knows that when someone says, "You look tired!", it really means, "Wow! You look like shit!"

"Really? I'm not, really, at all."

"Oh are you sad about something?"

Same with this little number. "Are you sad?" really means, "Man! Your eyes are abnormally puffy and those dark circles are noticeable today!"

"What? No. Maybe it's the glasses. I don't usually wear them."

"I don't think so. I just think you're EXHAUSTED."

Another thing people like to do is repeat themselves. I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME. What? You didn't get the reaction you were hoping for? Well guess WHAT. Saying it again and again is not going to get you a different reaction each time, my friend. You don't just try out insults until you get the response you were looking for. My reaction is going to be the same every time: NO bitch, I'm NOT tired, why don't you do what you're supposed to be doing and go lead Dorothy down the yellow brick road and leave me the hell alone.

"Ummm no. I'm pretty wide awake. WIDE awake."

So after this unexpected encounter, I run into another one of my good ol' buddies. Same hallway. Same minute. SAME FRICKIN' COMMENT.

"Hey Natasha! Whoaaaaa...looks like SOMEbody got no sleep last night!"

Whoaaaa...looks like SOMEbody got 9 months pregnant after a few of those Big Macs!

"What? Why do you say that?"

Is this not a hint that what I thought you just said was rude and unnecessary? This obviously means that I, myself, have not noticed that I look like shit and therefore you, yourself, have no right pointing it out to me. And what if I did notice? What if I was like, "HEY, yeah I know! I look like a piece of shit today! It really boosts my confidence when I know others notice it, too! AND as SOON as they see me nonetheless! That's right! We're not even five feet apart and you're appalled by my appearance! Thank GOD someone else noticed how ugly I look besides me! BOY, DO I LOVE HAVING FRIENDS!

"You just look so tired! I've never seen you look so tired!"

So I look bad, okay. Maybe I wouldn't mind so much if you balanced out your insults with compliments. (Not at the same time, because how obviously fake would it be if someone said, "You look like Quazimoto, but where'd you get those CUTE shoes, girlfriend?!" Pretty damn obvious, THAT'S how obvious.) Why doesn't anyone ever feel comfortable saying, "I've never seen you look so smokin' hot, you foxy momma!" I think everyone would much rather be called a fox than a turd. But does anyone ever say that? NO. Let's focus on the NEGATIVE to make ourselves feel better, then when it comes time to be positive let's all get jealous and hate that person for doing their hair that morning. What a plan. WHAT. A. PLAN.

"Oh, it's probably just because I didn't put on make-up today."

"Wow, you look THAT different without make-up?"

If I go from painting my eyelids purple, streaking a black line across the brims, clumping my eyelashes together with black goo and making my lips red and shiny to nothing then YEAH, I'm gonna look a little different. Why do you think clowns make kids laugh? MAKE-UP. Why do you think people are comfortable with seeing the deceased at an open-casket funeral? MAKE-UP. Why do you think transvestites think they're fooling anyone? MAKE-UP.

"You're probably just not used to seeing me au natural."

"You should really go home and get some sleep."

My god, is it really that bad that you don't think I should show my face on these premises for the remainder of the day? Okay so now I'm feeling a little self-conscious.

So I continue walking down the same hallway. Towards the same class I've been trying to get to and that I would have already gotten to if it weren't for these abnormally observant little freaks who I guess are just THAT obsessed with me that they have to STARE at me and make assessments then TALK to me about them because they're obsessed and I know I'm fascinating especially when I look like excrement but people need to keep their infatuations to themselves. I mean, please.

"Hey Natasha!"

See what I mean? OBSESSED with me.

"Hey!"

My voice is enthusiastic, but my head...is down. Yes, I want your sympathy right now. It's not that I let people get to me, I just want to get to class. Thats it. Class. Maybe I LIKE looking grungey-and-not-in-the-cute-hip-90's-way-but-in-the-bad-disgusting-make-ya-wanna-hurl-like-Garth-way.

"What's the matter?"

I get asked what's wrong if my head is up; I get asked what's wrong if my head is down. I can't win. I simply cannot win. So, I lift my head.

Can you saaayyyyy...BIG FUCKING MISTAKE?

"AWW MAN, YOU LOOK TIRED!"

Third time. In a row. You got that? This is not an exaggeration. This is real life. Like reality TV. Except real. And my life. MY REAL LIFE CONSISTS OF THESE UNFORTUNATE EVENTS. MY REAL LIFE CONSISTS OF BEING TOLD I LOOK LIKE SHIT THREE TIMES IN A ROW IN THE SAME FREAKING HALLWAY.

"I KNOW, RIGHT? I LOOK LIKE SHIT!"

"No, no! I didn't mean it like that! I just mean you look, like, you haven't gotten sleep in a couple of days."

"Do people who haven't gotten sleep in a couple of days look spik and span? No. Actually, I think people who haven't gotten sleep in a couple of days look like ZOMBIES. Are zombies considered to be attractive? Would you DATE a zombie? NO. You wouldn't. Because they look like SHIT."

"I'm sorry, I just...uhhh...see ya later, Natasha."

Great. Now I LOOK like shit and I'm treating people like shit. I should just go for the triple-header and smell like it, too. At least I'll be guaranteed that everyone in the entire school would notice!

I remember the days when I didn't care about how I looked at school, the days I didn't do my hair, didn't do my make-up, didn't wash my face, didn't care one single bit what people thought of me.

Those days...are now gone.