Tuesday, January 8, 2013

A Geyser Guessing Game

The thing I hate about starting the spring semester for school is that it's cold.

I wake up. "It's so cold," I think, and then I sit here, like this, for possibly an hour. It's pathetic.

When I finally do rise from my bed, I walk around like this for about five minutes. In circles. There is no point to this.

Which is exactly why I end up lying back down, too cold to take that extra step to get to my bed. As you can see, my cat is judging me. In case you've never seen my legs, they have not been burned to a crisp. Those are jeans. I sleep in my clothes. Because I know myself, and myself would never, EVER get naked when it's cold. 

This morning, I managed to make it to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I could see my breath in there. Which is why I had to put on a sweatshirt, two coats, and a hat before venturing outside my bedroom.

The other night, I strategically placed the outfit I planned to wear the next day right in front of my space heater. I have heard to never place things in front of space heaters because they can easily catch on fire and burn your house down. I can think of three logical defenses as to why I dare risk this:

1. I'd rather wake up to flames than to my fingers scattered across my mattress because they've broken off from the frostbite I experienced during my sleep.
2. I don't listen to good advice.
3. When I'm in Hell, at least I'll be a little used to it.

Someone also told me once to never microwave my clothes. I tried this back in high school for a few mornings, and it was awesome. I'd microwave my Hot Pocket, then microwave my jeans, and then you know what I'd have? Five Hot Pockets. This went on for about a week before I accidentally left a shirt in the microwave. I had decided to wear a different shirt at the last minute, so after microwaving the first one, I just left it in there. When I came home from school, I was asked:

"Natasha, why was your shirt in the microwave this morning?"

"Oh! I forgot! HAHAHAHA! I microwaved it so it'd be warm!"

I was expecting to be praised for my ingenuity, complimented for my originality, and given a giant reward for saving my family money on electric bills. Instead, I got this:


That's me being yelled at, in case you didn't know. 

So I've stopped microwaving my clothes. I'd try a toaster, but they just don't fit. I'd try stuffing them in my mouth, because mouths are pretty warm, but I don't really favor the texture of cotton. This means that I'm freezing as I walk to class. I'm freezing as I sit down. And then I'm annoyed by everyone. The teacher hasn't arrived, so the air is silent, all except for this:




Sniff sniff!


EVERYONE. Sniffing. There was not one moment of silence. As soon as someone sniffed their sniff, someone else would sniff. It's like they were waiting their turn.

"Are you done sniffing? Thanks, I really got to."


"Are you done?"


"Now I am."




"Hey! Wait your turn, bud!"

Sniff sniff!

"What the fuck was that? A double-sniff? You can't take two turns!"

It started to sound like music after five minutes of this. I tried desperately not to sniff, boycotting The Sniffing Sing-a-Long. There was something incredibly disturbing about being surrounded by people deeply inhaling their mucous. People feeling comfortable using their snot as C-notes. That's right, there wasn't even a change of range or pitch among these runny rascals. I guess everyone has C-note snot. I haven't even met any of these people yet and I know that their noses are filled with green liquid. Is there any other orifice you'd like to alert the class of its contents? Anyone, anyone? Your asshole, maybe? What's in there? Why don't you let it make a little noise so we can all play a geyser guessing game? Come on, we know you can do it! You've mastered the facial hole sounds, what about any of the others? 


No comments: