Googly-Eyed Vagina

I have this site that tells me how people came across my blog. Don't worry, your identity is safe. All the data shows is the "Visitor Paths." I'd like to share the most recent ones with you now because I like to invade people's privacy and publish it publicly.

• google search - natasha ferrier phone number

After seeing this one, I experienced instant paranoia. Is my number on the internet? Who was looking for my phone number? What were they planning to do when they acquired it? Why didn't they use an apostrophe S? I googled it myself and then realized that, during some forgotten time when I had no brain, I put my phone number on my facebook. I have yet to receive any calls.

• google search - sex bubble jackets

What. Is. That.

• google search - 18 anymore damsel porno film

I'm sorry, "18 anymore?" Does that mean 19? Why didn't you just put 19 then? Isn't "porno film" a bit redundant? Since when do second graders know how to use the internet?

• google search - damsel porn

I really need to rename my blog. And stop talking about porn. 

• google search - vagina awareness month

My blog is the #2 site that pops up for his search. Don't I get a plaque or something? Where's my medal? I'm serious. That means not joking. I want my fucking Vagina Awareness Month Google Trophy.

• google search - my vagina

Oh, you're searching for your vagina? I'll give you a few pointers, newb: take off your pants and put your computer on your lap. Now go to google and start to type "my vagi---" oh lookie! It was right there all along! Congratulations, you just played Hide and Seek with your private parts.

• google search - googly eyed vagina

I have no idea what this means. But I hope it doesn't involve glue.

• google search - snow white and the 7 horny dwarfs
• google search - snow white and 7 horny dwarfs
• google search - horny show white and the dwarfs
• google search - snow white is horny

This is by far the most popular search I see. The feminist in me is happy that there is a 50/50 ratio between the horniness of the men and of the woman, but the child in me is seriously disturbed. On a different note, why can't both parties be horny? Is this some kind of animated gang-bang? And what's the opposite of a gang-bang? I mean, if horny Snow White were to do ALL the dwarfs against their will, what do you call that? I can see it now: she puts some Dopey in their drink, then they all start to feel Happy, then suddenly a little Sleepy, and the next morning they all wake up Grumpy and have to call the Doc because they all woke up with a Sleezy Rashful in their asshole.

• google search - horny dwarfs

Something tells me this one has nothing to do with Snow White.