Monday, January 7, 2013

Blind and Deaf Servers Wanted

Alright, who writes out job applications? They need to be fired. I've spent all day filling out those damn things, and I have a lot of complaints. 

Recent Survey I Took

1. Are you a social person?
2. Do your friends say that you are social?
3. Do you find it easy to talk to people?
4. Do you like to talk to people?
5. Are you a talkative person?

THOSE ALL MEAN THE SAME THING. Is this some kind of a trick? To test my literacy? Has anyone ever put "Yes, I am a social person, but no, my friends do not say I am social." I was shocked to find that these questions weren't followed up with:

6. Can you speak?
7. Do you speak?
8. How long have you been speaking?
9. Do you talk, too?
10. Can you talk, also?

Here's another set of questions I was forced to endure:

1. Do you have days where you feel "completely miserable?"
2. Are you happy one second and very sad the next second, for no apparent reason?
3. Do you feel motivated to get out of bed?

No one would ever admit to these things if they were true. I'm trying to get a job. What idiot would think that a company was looking to hire someone who is miserable and doesn't get out of bed? Unless there's a mental hospital somewhere looking to hire patients, I see no use for these questions. All they really mean is:

1. Are you depressed?
2. Are you bipolar?
3. Are you a fucking lazy ass?

No one could get away with this. "I may be fat and manic, but I do know how to scrub a plate!"

Then there was the Job Criteria section to be a server, where they alerted me of what "Physical Requirements" I must be able to meet and how often I will have to meet them.

  • Balancing - Infrequently
  • Walking - Hourly
  • Sitting - Infrequently
  • Speaking - Hourly
  • Seeing - Hourly
  • Hearing - Hourly
  • Crawling - Infrequently
  • Twist - Hourly

Balancing is an infrequent action? So I should only be able to stand on my two legs some of the time? And what about carrying the tray? Is that not balancing?

Walking hourly and sitting infrequently is just obvious. Wait, I have to walk at this job? You mean I have to get off my ass? Whatever happened to getting paid to sit?

 And now I have to speak hourly? You mean I have to talk to the customers? I have to communicate with people? If someone asks me a question, I can't just stare at them? This is all just too demanding.

And crawling? Is this a restaurant or a strip club I'm applying for? Are there tunnels to get from table to table? Is the ceiling only two feet high? Why would I have to crawl?

The twist thing is just too ridiculous to even get in to.

But I guess what baffles me the most is the company's need to remind me that I not only will I have to be able to see and hear, but I will have to do these things hourly. Not minutely or secondly, but hourly. And to go in the opposite direction, not bihourly. 

"You only have to have vision for an hour, then you get an hour to be in absolute darkness!"

Good thing they reminded me that they're not looking for blind and deaf servers. That requirement must be at that other restaurant.


These are the things I've had to endure for the past two weeks - and yet I still haven't found a job. Is something wrong with me? Should I be bipolar, lazy, not to be able to twist, and not be able to hear? Is that what they want? As an experiment, I'm tempted to apply at an establishment and answer in all the wrong ways. Knowing my luck, that'll end up being the job I get. In the meantime, I'll continue with my current survey.

9. Is this the job you want?

It was until you felt the need to ask me that. 

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