Trying to write without coffee is like trying to put on pants without pants. I'd brew a pot now, but it's 2:27am. Alright, so this has never stopped me before. But I don't need to depend on a substance to write! I can do this without Folger's, you hear me?
Hello. My name is Natasha. I am writing right now. "Write" now. Get it? I am sitting in a chair. The chair I am sitting in is a chair that can be sat in if you would ever like to sit in a chair. Call me Chairyl. Like Cheryl. But with chair.
...I'm going to go make some coffee now.
One of my professors has banned us from doing two things in our creative writing:
2. Using all capital letters
I DO BOTH OF THESE THINGS ALL THE FUCKING TIME.
I've tried to rely on the dictionary to replace my cuss words, but the dictionary is really not as reliable as people make it out to be. Take "oyster cracker" for example.
oyster cracker (noun): A small, hard, dry cracker.
Great. What if I don't know what a cracker is? Did Webster really just define a cracker as a cracker? Wait, I'm confused. So a cracker is a...cracker? Mind = blown.
Also, does anyone sell wet crackers?
So then I look up cracker.
cracker (noun): A thin, crisp wafer.
So an "oyster cracker" is a small, hard, dry, thin, crisp wafer? Do we really need to use FIVE adjectives to describe a snack food? I'll try it out:
cookie (noun): A sweet, sugary, crispy, soft, dry ---
I can't do this.
How about some more? Since I'm currently trying to find substitutes for "fuck," I'll take you along on my tedious adventure.
quidity (noun): A hairsplitting distinction.
Hairsplitting? Is that to be taken literally? Man, it's no wonder people move here and refuse to learn English. It's impossible. They look up a word meaning a small distinction and instead find that this particular distinction is capable of splitting the ends of your hair.
dot (verb): To mark with a dot or dots.
Wow. "Dot" used three times in one definition.
periodic (adj.): Having periods.
compulsion (noun): The act of compelling or the state of being compelled.
roar (verb): To express with a roar.
WHAT THE HELL. A dictionary should be called a "dic" for short. What a dic.
I have come up with a few words that sound like they could be cursing, but they're not.
As in: You didn't flush my toilet after taking a dump? You're such a kumquat!
As in: You shaved my eyebrows off when I was sleeping? What an eggo thing to do!
As in: Quark you, quarktard!