Sunday, January 13, 2013

The Lipid from the Lard Lagoon

Nonstop Rambling After Consuming A Bowl of Lucky Charms

Ramble #1

I don't understand these monster trends, yet I ponder over what's next. We went from a vampire craze to a zombie apocalypse fad - where's The Blob? That's a perfectly legit monstrosity that deserves world-wide recognition. Or how about Body-Snatchers? When will their invasion commence? Even Munchkins from Munchkinland. I would hate for colorful, child-like beings to sing me to death in the voices of hundreds of men who just got kicked in the balls. They'd be popping out of flowers and emerging from bushes and bashing everyone's heads in with giant lollipops (the munchkins, not men's balls). It'd be terrifying.

If the world is going to end, it won't be by zombies. They're too slow. No, there will be an entirely new creature that will obliterate all of mankind. Something that we're all already destructing ourselves with. Fat. I'll call this new monster...

The Lipid from the Lard Lagoon!

Ramble #2

"Let's go to Taco Bell!" I suggested the other night.

"We just went."

PARTY FOUL. Who does that? Who goes to Taco Bell and does not invite me? 

"Fine. I'll go by myself!"

"I'll go with you, Natasha."


Ten minutes later.

"It's CLOSED?!"

"It's okay, there's another one nearby."


"I don't know, but we'll figure it out."

Forty minutes later.

"Alright, where are we."

"On the freeway."

"Yes, thank you. But where?"

"There's a sign!"

"126 miles. Nashville."

"Ahahahaha!!! We're on our way to Nashville!"

"God damnit. All I wanted was a burrito!"

"They have Taco Bells in Nashville."

"We can't go to Nashville."


"But what if we did..."


"No, no, we can't."


"Or we could..."

"We're already on our way..."


"Nah, I got work in the morning."

"Yeah, and I only have enough money for...fuck. I don't have any money."

"Let's turn around."


Thirty minutes later.

"Wanna go to Krystal?"

"The one we passed after we left your house?"


"Okay. It just took us two hours to find a drive-thru."

"Let's sit inside then."

"Good idea."

Ramble #3

I remember a time when Trix were shaped like fruits. If you are reading this now, which you are, you should remember this, also. (I assume you are not between the ages of five and fourteen. I hope you are not between the ages of five and fourteen, and if you are between the ages of five and fourteen, I advise you to go read something else, like a Bob book. Or go clip out some coupons, I don't know.) 

According to ChaCha, Trix cereal was released in 1954 - and they were in the shape of balls. It lasted like this until 1992, when they changed it from balls to fruit-shapes. Then, in 2006, they went back to balls to be more "nostalgic."

Nostalgic? Nostlagic for who? For the 52-year-olds still eating Trix? Are you fucking kidding me? Is this the audience they're marketing toward? Senior citizens? Last time I saw a Trix commercial, there were children eating the cereal, and the last commercial I saw for cereal that had elderly people in it was for something like...Grape Nuts. Something boring and brown. Something with wheat and bran and barley and, uh, falafel? I DON'T KNOW. 

I was born in 1990, which means I never even ate the ball-shaped Trix. Now, being 22 and still liking sugar-filled things dipped in milk, my nostalgia is directed toward fruit-shaped Trix. And choking on a Captain Crunch Crunch-Berry. And trying to scrub off that weird film Fruity Pebbles leaves on the roof of your mouth. 

I DON'T WANT TO EAT COLORED BALLS. Especially if I were a child, this would be torturous for me. I'd be eating something that looked like a mini ball pit, and I'd be tempted to jump in and play in the balls. Who decided to change food-shaped food into object-shaped food? What sicko is behind this, huh? Some pervert, I'm sure. 

"Look, Carl, I don't like that my grape-flavored sugar-oats are shaped like grapes."

"Well, then what do you suggest for the company?"



"Yeah, balls."

"You want grape-flavored balls?"


"I don't think spheres are as visually stimulating for children as---"


I have not bought a box of Trix since this transformation happened. I am boycotting Trix until they change it back to fruits, but knowing how "nostalgic" the company is, that probably won't happen until I'm 52-years-old.

And by then I'll be eating Grape Nuts.

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