Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Helen Keller's Virtual Roller Coaster

I've been in school for eighteen years now, and I am still learning about Helen Keller. Look. I appreciated her the first seven or eight times, but now? It's the same material every. single. year. Just like William Shakespeare. 

Who - in case you didn't know - spelled his last name in 80 different ways, but not once did he spell it how we all spell it now. What the fuck, people. Can this guy even be trusted? Why are we studying a writer who can't even spell his own name? Also, his dad, at one point in his life, got paid to drink beer. Now this is the kind of stuff I wish they'd teach us in school. Thank you, History channel. Send me that job application if you get the chance.

Just like Charles Dickens.

Who - in case you didn't know - got paid by the word. So his books ramble on forever and forever just so he could make more profit. "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." - When did you come up with that opener, Chuck? Was it after reading one of your own books?

And just like Martin Luther King, Jr.

Who - in case you didn't know - was black.

It's getting old. And for some reason, Helen Keller trumps them all. I know she was blind, I know she was deaf, and I know there was a movie about her. Is there really anything else to know? And why doesn't Annie Sullivan get all the credit? She's the one that did all the work, if you ask me. 

I think what the education system needs is a new way to teach Helen Keller, a bit of a "fresh approach," so to speak. And for that - I have the answer.

Helen Keller's Virtual Roller Coaster Ride!
Live life just like Helen Keller did!

Step into our theatre and discover a simulated 3D experience! This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, just like Helen Keller! Since she only lived once.

Upon entering the theatre, you will be blindfolded. Then the blindfolds will be glued to your heads, so you won't be able to take them off! This will make you feel blind. Our staff members will also spin you around in circles a few times to ensure quality unawareness of all your surroundings. 

Once your party is scattered across the theatre, which does not have seats, but rather a few large objects randomly placed throughout the space to give you convenient things to blindly run into, a staff member will again approach you. This time, he or she will stick ear plugs into your ears and then duct tape them inside. This is an efficient approach to causing immediate deafness - guaranteed.

Then, our Annie Sullivan actors will enter the theatre. They will do a number of things that Annie Sullivan inflicted upon Ms. Keller, such as pour cold water on you, shove forks and knives into your hands, give you food and then snatch it away, and forcefully tap into your palm with their fingers in a repetitive manner. 

These actions have a 99% guarantee to cause you to run, leading to a 100% guarantee that you will run into one of our placed objects - such as couches, chairs, other people, holes in the ground, and tree trunks. 

This will confuse you, anger you, and leave you in a state of depression, causing you to lose all hope - just like Helen Keller!

Come experience Helen Keller's Virtual Roller Coaster Ride!
It may not be an actual roller coaster, but Helen Keller wouldn't care! She's dead!

No comments: