Thursday, September 19, 2013

Ask Him Where Baby Bop Is

Random Stories After My Cat Flashed Me

Story #1

me: Leeloo! Put that away!

cat: Meow.

me: No! That does not mean come over here. 

cat: Meow, meow.

me: Stop it! Take you and your little penis away from me!

cat: Meow.


cat: Meow, meow.

me: Go to the corner.

cat: Meow.


Story #2

I am being stalked by a homeless man in a purple V-neck.

If you're being stalked by a homeless man, you have three options. You either give him change, tell him you have none, or skip this whole charade and hand him a beer.

If you're being stalked by a man in a V-neck, you have two options. You either puncture his bicycle tires or tell him there's a huge sale on Fedoras down the street.

If you're being stalked by a man wearing purple, you have one option. You ask him where Baby Bop is.

But if you're being stalked by a homeless man in a purple V-neck, you have no options. No matter what you do, he will never. leave you. alone. I saw him four times in one day and since then, I see him everywhere, always asking me the same three things.

1. "Do you have a cigarette?"

2. "Are those bowling shoes?"

3. "Can you hear me?"

Story #3

Conversation I Overheard Today

guy 1: Hey, bro! Whachu been up to, man?!

guy 2: Livin the COLLEGE LIFE, bro!

guy 1: Same here, man! COLLEGE LIFE!

guys 1 and 2: COLLEEEEEEEEGE!


Story #4

Conversation I Had with the Indian Man Who Works at the Gas Station

man: Natashaaaaa...

me: Hey!

man: Natashaaaaa...

me: Hi...again.

man: My Natashaaaa...

me: ...

man: You are mine. My Natasha.

me: Ha...haha...

man: I wait for you all day. Finally you come. My Natashaaaaa...I like my Natasha.

...I think I need to start buying my Red Bull elsewhere.

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