If Zombies Breastfed

This Morning's Conversation with My Cat

me: Okay. Enough, Leeloo. I'm trying to get dressed.

cat: Meow.

me: Yes, I know I'm still lying in bed, but that's because I've mastered the art of putting on pants without standing up. It's called 9am classes.

cat: Meow.

me: GET OFF. I CANNOT BREATHE WHEN YOU STRADDLE MY FACE.

cat: Meow meow.

me: I'm serious, Leeloo. How would you feel if I straddled your face?

cat: Meow.

me: Oh, you wouldn't care, would you? Well of course you wouldn't care. BECAUSE YOU'D BE DEAD. My crotch would suffocate the life from your tiny head.

cat: Meow!

me: Oh my god you're such a typical male. I meant the tiny head on your NECK. Not your other tiny head.

cat: Meow, meow.

me: That's completely different. Moe's cat was allowed to sleep with him because she didn't shove her privates in his nostrils.

cat: Meow.

me: He did not let her lick his chest. All he said was that when she was a kitten, she used to try and get milk from his nipples.

cat: Meow.

me: I don't have milk there, Leeloo. And neither did Moe.

cat: Meow!

me: Ow! Great. Now you've scratched my nipple. And as you can see, the only thing that can comes out of there is blood. Not milk. Blood. 

cat: Meow.

me: STOP IT! The last thing I need is a mangled nipple! This is exactly why I don't sleep in the nude. Who knows what you do when I'm unconscious.

cat: Meow, meow.

me: You do what?

cat: Meow.

me: Is this why I woke up with soaking wet bangs the other night?

cat: Meow, meow.

me: What do you mean 'who knows?' WE'RE THE ONLY ONES HERE.

cat: Meow.

me: That's it. You're sleeping in the living room from now on. FUCK OFF.

cat: Meow...

me: I'm so sorry, Leeloo. I didn't mean that. I love you. Come here.

cat: Meow.

me: OUCH!

cat: Meow, meow.

me: Great. You've clawed them both. Now I look like some maternal zombie who's been breastfeeding.

cat: Meow meow meow.

me: No, you were not trying to help me scratch my mosquito bites. You know those mosquito bites are permanent.

cat: Meow meow meow.

me: No, you were not helping me look like an extra from The Walking Dead. Zombies don't even get pregnant on that show. Unless they changed it to The Walking Breastfed.

cat: Meow...

me: OKAY I KNOW IT WASN'T CLEVER BUT WHAT DO YOU EXPECT? It's hard to be witty when your cat just looked at your nipples and thought, "Milk on tap!"

cat: Meow.

me: I'm never changing clothes in front of you again.