Wednesday, September 4, 2013

If Mufasa Had Died from Lung Cancer

Random Thoughts After Inhaling Flea Repellent For Four Hours

Thought #1

iiiiiiiiiiiifffff sjdkd skddddd heyyyyyyy --- just kidding. I'm not high. I'm just abnormally flea-free.

Thought #2

For those of you who didn't know, you are not supposed to inhale flea repellent. Unfortunately, the can of spray FAILED TO FUCKING TELL ME THAT. Instead, it told me to "Spray it everywhere! Don't be shy! Have some fun with it, will ya? Spray your bed! Spray your pillow! Spray your dinner! Spray your eyeballs! Spray your neighbor! Spray your spray!"

Alright, so it didn't word it like that (but basically, it did). This is what the back of the can actually said:

Directions for Use: Spray underneath furniture, sofas, chairs, and beds. Evenly apply a fine mist or spray to carpets, rugs, drapes, and all surfaces of upholstered furniture by using a wide, sweeping motion. 

Those are the directions. Directions, as in WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO. There is nothing in there about doing anything else besides that. So last night, I did as I was told and sprayed my mattress, my clothes, and my pillow. Then I laid down to go to sleep, which wasn't as successful as I had anticipated. For some reason, I kept waking up in a dry coughing fit that burned deep in my chest. Then all day today, I was very short of breath and couldn't laugh at anything without gasping for air afterwards, which lead to another coughing rampage that sounded like Mufasa if Mufasa had died from lung cancer.

I didn't allow myself to think too much of it until I got on the phone with my father.

"Hey Dad!"


"Yes...this is she. Your first-born daughter. Remember me?"

"Yes, of course, you just sound really different."

"I sound different?"

"Yeah...your voice. It sounds off."

"Oh...yeah well it's probably from inhaling flea repellent all night."


"Don't worry, it wasn't on purpose."

"I'm still very worried."

"Yeah my heart aches in my chest whenever I try and talk...I'll be fine, though."

"This is just making me even more worried."

"I'm sure I'll be fine. It's probably just allergies."

"Well call me later, okay? I want to see how you're doing."

"Okay, I will!"

After getting off the phone with my dad, my sister calls me.

"Hey Natasha!"

"Hey! What's up?"

"Are you okay?"

"What? Yeah, I'm fine. Why? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, but your voice..."

"What? What's wrong with my voice?"

"It sounds terrible."

"I'm fine, I just ruuuuh! RUUUH! RUHHH! RUHHHH!"

"Your cough sounds awful, too...are you sick?"

"No, I just inhaled flea repellent for hours straight."

"You inhaled what?"

"Flea repellent. It comes in a can."

"Good that what people are doing these days?"

"WHAT NO, I didn't do it intentionally."

"It wouldn't surprise me."

"Um okay RUDE."

"Sorry, but the last story you told me was ---"

"Yes yes yes I remember our conversations from yesterday, thank you."

"Seriously though, that really worries me. All those chemicals in your could get cancer."


"Yes, cancer."

"God that would suck. First fleas, then cancer?"

"You gotta be more careful."

"I know...well I'll let you know if I figure anything out."

"Okay, bye."

And then my dad calls again.

"Feeling any better, Natasha?"

"I feel the same. But then Katrina mentioned something about me getting cancer and ---"

"Well your sister is very smart."

"And that makes her an expert on cancer?"

"You need to go home and reread the can."

"The can said NOTHING about breathing it in. It specifically said SPRAY YOUR BEDDING. And I sprayed all my clothes, too because the fleas tend to nest there. And all day I've been flea-free!"

"Alright. Just call me later, okay? Bye."

So I get home and immediately grab the can of flea spray and begin my fact-checking. Directions for use blah blah blah do not spray humans no duh storage and disposal blah blah blah CAUTION: Do not breathe vapors or spray-mist. Avoid contact with skin, eyes, or clothing. Thoroughly wash with soap and warm water after use. If inhaled: move person to fresh air. If person is not breathing, call 911 or an ambulance. If sprayed on skin or clothing: take off contaminated clothing. Immediately rinse skin with plenty of water for 15-20 minutes. Call a poison control center for treatment advice.

...well then.

Thought #3

FUCK YOU, FLEA REPELLENT. Why don't you put the "wash with soap and warm water afterwards" under the DIRECTIONS, with all the OTHER DIRECTIONS? Or better yet, "wash with warm water to avoid dying?" And what the hell do you mean "call a poison control center for treatment advice?" Why don't you call them, figure out what to do, AND PUT IT ON THE FUCKING CAN? You know what this is like? It's like if you bought hair removal cream, something like Nair that burns the hair off, and the directions said, "Put on the cream." So you put it on and after two hours, when your face or your legs or your junk are bright red, chaffed, and in flames, you reread the bottle to see that under the 'Warning' label, it says: Remove cream after 5 minutes. WHO WRITES THESE THINGS?

Thought #4

On the bright side, I see nothing about cancer.

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