Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Cupid: Wal-Mart's #1 Customer

friend: Have you ever read "Missed Connections" on Craig's list?

me: Are you talking about the section with the anonymous posts of people writing about strangers they saw? The ones that thought they felt a romantic connection?

friend: Yeah! I mean, not that I read it...

me: Yeah, me neither...

friend: Never...

me: Yeah, psshh, totally never...

friend: Definitely not.

me: It shouldn't even be called "Missed Connections." It's not a "connection" if it's missed. It should really be called, "The Stalking Didn't End There" or just, "Missed Completely."

friend: Well apparently someone mentioned you on there.

me: What! What'd it say?!

friend: Well, I didn't see it. Riley told me about it. She said someone wrote about you. I think it was talking about a Vaudeville Cafe actress...or a girl in all black...I forgot.

me: But she thinks the guy was talking about me?

friend: Yeah, apparently.

me: I have to look this up as soon as I get home!

As Soon As I Get Home

I log onto the Chattanooga listings, and after scrolling through countless "You looked at me"s, "I looked at you"s, and "I looked at you looking at me"s, I found the title that my friend was probably referring to: Vaudeville Femme Fatale. m4w (I've recently learned that this means "male for woman." I've also learned that if I see m4t it does not mean any of my original guesses of "male for toddler," "milf for teenager," or "my fort." While Cookie Monster knows that is for Cookie, Craig knows that T is for Tranny.) 

There aren't that many female comedians where I work, so this had to be it. However, when I read the description, I was disappointed. The anonymous male was speaking of the woman who "played the airline stewardess" - which is a role I don't play. Defeated, I decided to stop searching - but not until I read just a few more for sheer entertainment. I'll do you a favor and save you the 30 minutes I spent researching what Wal-Marts Cupid seems to be frequenting lately. Instead, I'll give you this month's winning post.

We Had Pop Tarts, You Had a Gun - mw4w

You're hot. Your bike is hot. Your boots are hot.

We followed you for half an hour, and I had a plan. On a 1200 mile road trip and quick thinking was engaged. Blueberry muffin pop tarts and a felt tip pen to write my number on the package. We caught up to you at a light but I would have had to get out of the we followed you some more. Then we spotted the gun. This did not in fact discourage us from following you some more. We still wanted to give you the pop tarts. Who doesn't like pop tarts? We even had milk! But the gun did instill a bit of apprehension on our part, so when you made a left we did not in fact follow you. So, if you want to meet up sometime, and you promise not to shoot us, maybe we could get coffee and proper pastries, or have pop tarts and milk. Just reply with what we were driving and we'll go from there.

...there are way too many reactions I had to this, so I'll narrow it down and give you three.

1. "mw4w" - What? Is this a threesome thing? A swingers thing? A Muslim thing? Or is it just a Craig's list thing?

2. "Who doesn't like pop tarts?" - Anyone receiving them from a stalker. And Toaster Strudel.

3. "We even had milk!" - Who buys milk for a 1200 mile road trip?

On a positive note, at least they know the difference between "you're" and "your." Most people on the internet do not. On a negative note, why don't I ever get offered stuff like this? I've been Pop Tartless for years now. What's a girl gotta do for a Pop Tart these days?

After reading about The Pastry Pedophiles, I decided it couldn't get any better from there and I should go read something else. But just as I was about to log off the internet, something caught my eye...

black dress and red lipstick - m4w

I love seeing you in your black dresses and the prettiest red lipstick. I just wanna walk uo to you face to face. Grab your sexy waistand pull you close for a long soft kiss. Only in my dreams though. It could never happen to me. :'( I'm married to another.

...could it be? I know I'm not the first female to dress in all black and wear red lipstick, but as far as I know, I'm the only one in my city who is known to dress like that daily. I guess we'll never know. What I do know is that I'm not going to get any Pop Tarts from this. But that's what Craig's list is for.

I Don't Have Pop Tarts, Help - w4pt

You were in front of me at Wal-Mart today. I was staring at you, wishing I could rip off your top. I could tell you were cold, but I know how to make you hot. Give me two minutes, and I'll have you warm and moist on the inside. I was surrounded by other sweet things, but all I could focus on was you. You're fly like a B6, as beautiful as a flour. Wheat make a great couple. Iron many miles just to have you. I'll massage you with soybean oil, it'll feel niacin your thiamin. You make me feel high like fructose corn syrup. Just thinking of you makes my cholesterol rise. You're not like the others. You're so much s'more. They were all just limited editions. But're original. 

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