Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Gandhi, Mother Theresa, and Neville Longbottom's Parents

This Week's Conversations

Conversation #1

friend: Natasha!

me: Oh, hey! I just got out of Shakespeare class.

friend: I'm headed there now! (comments on Shakespeare)

me: (complains about Shakespeare)

friend: So I heard you have fleas...I HAVE FLEAS, TOO!

me: No way!

friend: I took my dog to the vet and apparently fleas are a huge problem right now because of all the humidity.


See? It's not my fault. We are dealing with a flea epidemic here, people. Also known as the newest fad. That's right, all the cool kids have them. Jump on the bandwagon. Or on my arm. With all the fleas.

Conversation #2

sorority girl: Excuse me, may I interview you and record it real quick?

me: Sure, why not!

sorority girl: GREAT! Thank you! Ready, girls?

me: (suddenly surrounded by eight giggling Greeks) Oh wow...there are a lot of you.

chorus: (giggle giggle giggle)

sorority girl: (speaking into a hairbrush like it's a microphone) Do you believe that gay and lesbian couples should have the same adoption rights as heterosexual couples do?

me: Yes.

sorority girl: ...

me: Do I have to say why?

sorority girl: Yes.

me: Oh, okay, um...yes because the notion to ostracize homosexuals is old-fashioned.

sorority girl: (nods)

me: We should have progressed enough by now to realize that a person's romantic preference has nothing to do with their capability to raise a child...

sorority girl: (nods)

me: A maternal instinct is innate, just as heterosexual feelings are...

sorority girl: (still nodding)

me: Is that enough? Can I stop now?

sorority girl: That was great! Thank you!


Conversation #3

me: (walking into the Lost and Found office and immediately spotting the things I had left in the ladies' restroom) THOSE ARE MY SWEDISH FISH!

secretary: ...


secretary: And...this?

me: Oh and that's my wallet, too.


Conversation #4

me: (waltzing into party) (I used the term 'waltzing' because it sounds much classier than 'stumbling.') (Not that I was 'stumbling.' I have less of a drunken stumble and more of a drunken 'hop.') (Let's try this again...)

me: (hopping into party) Hey! Hi! Hello!

stranger: Did you bring the Febreze with you?

me: UHHH...no...that was...last...time...

...I am now notorious for "Bedroom Mist" harassment. I should pitch this tactic to cops. "Wanna break up a party? Ditch the guns - grab the Febreze!" Gandhi would be proud. Or Mother Theresa. Wow, I ran out of peaceful people faster than I had expected...Neville Longbottom's parents? (Only dedicated Harry Potter fans will understand the cruel and inappropriate humor there.)

Conversation #5

This actually isn't a conversation but it's my blog SO I CAN DO WHAT I WANT.

I'm currently listening to Daft Punk's "Get Lucky," and while the song is catchy and puts me in an unusually chipper mood, I'm a little confused by the lyrics.

"She's up all night till the sun
I'm up all night to get some
She's up all night for good fun
I'm up all night to get lucky"

...That's just a really long time to wait. I mean, come on, all night? It sounds to me like the feelings aren't mutual if something hasn't already happened by 3:00am. Where's the passion here? Just give up, man. Come morning, you'll be too tired to do that great of a job, anyway.

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