Sunday, September 22, 2013

Mr. Roger's Alter-Ego

I'm getting old. My friends just invited me to take shots with them at 3 in the afternoon, and I declined because I have a crossword puzzle to finish. So while they're getting drunk and having a grand time, I'm sitting here wondering what the fuck a four-letter Cajun vegetable could be. My mind keeps telling me 'corn' because that's the only vegetable I can think of right now that has four letters, but I know corn is not the answer. It's like when you're playing charades with a friend, and they guess, "THE LION KING!" and you shake your head no, and then they continue to yell, "LION KING, LION KING!" as if screaming it louder will make it the right answer. And all you wanna do is shout, "IT'S NOT THE FUCKING LION KING!" but you're not allowed to speak, so you just end up stomping your foot over and over again, throwing your hands in the air, and giving everyone the middle finger. 

Alright so it may not be like that at all. My point is: both situations are annoying. What's also annoying is those signs outside of restaurants that say, "Thank You For Not Smoking," when I'm sitting there smoking. What're you trying to say, Sign? Why don't you be a little less passive aggressive and just say, "Don't Smoke Here" instead of thanking me for something that I'm not even doing? I'm getting off topic. Thank You For Not Noticing.

I realized I was getting old when I walked up some stairs and tried to speak when I got to the top. It came out like this:


As you can see, nothing came out, because I couldn't breathe. This completely contradicts the fact that I had a bag of candy in one hand and a bottle of Jungle Juice in the other.

Wannabe Five-Year-Old Ages Twenty Years in One Staircase, Ate the Gummy Bears Regardless

I was trying to explain that I feel old to some of my friends, and they seemed to understand until I launched into an analogy of my situation.

me: I feel so old!

friends: Me too, man! It sucks!

me: It's like when you're in fourth grade, and you're peeing in the bathroom, and you see a Kindergartner peeking through the crack of the stall, watching you sitting on the toilet. And you think, Man, it's time for me to get out of elementary school.

friends: ...what?

me: You know! Six-year-olds watching you pee!

friends: Umm...

me: Ugh nevermind.

(It just hit me that I'm writing about getting old, yet I just paused to go read 'Finny Fun Facts You Didn't Know About The Little Mermaid.' We're going to disregard that.)

(BUT - did you know Sebastian was supposed to have a British accent? Sorry nevermind.)

I think what's mainly making me feel like I'm aging is the fact that I'm in my fifth year of college and that's a year later than I had planned. Freshman year was one thing. That's when everything was new and exciting and I did stupid, careless stuff like day drinking with all of my friends. One time we were all drunk, it was two in the afternoon, and we were sitting on the porch and laughing, when suddenly one of my friends leaps up and yells, "I HAVE AN EXAM IN FIVE MINUTES!"




"It's not funny! I have to go take a test!"

"Then go!"


"We know!"


"Hey, come back! You can't take that beer with you."


"Good luck on your exam hahahahahahaha!"

I can't even imagine doing that now. Laughing, I mean. (Just kidding. I mean day drinking. Obviously.)

But I'm 22 years old, and I'm still incredibly young, which really only means that I'm going to make the crankiest old person ever. I'm already getting there. I'm going to end my rant now, but before I do, I'll give you one example of how I'm becoming Mr. Roger's alter-ego, Ms....god damnit. Why does nothing rhyme with Roger that means "cranky?" It would have worked so well just then.

The other night I was waiting on my ride, and these freshman in front of me were having a conversation.

"Get in the car, Jim!"

"No, thanks. I think I'm gonna ride my bike."

"No, Jim, just get in the car. We're all riding over there together."

"Well...I kinda just wanna ride my bike..."

"Leave your bike here, Jim. We have room for you in the car!"

"Yeah but I was planning on riding my bike..."

"Jim, dude, just hop in the car and we ---"


...and then it hit me that I was the one who had just yelled this, without even planning on doing so. They all turned and stared at me, and I awkwardly waved, as if WAVING would make it all better that I just screamed at a bunch of 18-year-olds about a bicycle. I thought of going even further, like saying, "LOLZ!" and giving a thumbs-up sign, but instead I just kept waving. And then the guy goes, "Fine, Jim, ride your bike" and they drove off. 

Thank You For Waving Back.


Anonymous said...

It's "okra" by the way.

Natasha said...

THANK YOU! This just helped me fill in four other words. Okay, that was an exaggeration. It helped me fill in one other. But it was a really good one. So it was basically four.