I was called "rude" the other night for sighting a short, bearded man and exclaiming, "Bilbo Baggins?!" I should not have been called "rude" for the following reasons:
1. It's rude to call someone rude.
2. Calling someone Bilbo Baggins is a compliment.
3. He didn't even look like a hobbit; he looked like a dwarf. It would have been more appropriate to call him Gimli, but the name wasn't coming to me at the time.
4. The person who called me "rude" thought he was addressing a stranger. What he didn't know was that he was actually addressing someone who has seen multiple pictures of his penis.
5. I didn't ask to see the penis photos. They were forced up on me.
"He texted me pictures of his penis!"
"Yes! Wanna see?"
"AH I SAID NO!"
But it was too late.
"What do you think?"
"What do I think?"
"Uh...yep, that's definitely a penis...penis confirmed."
So while this guy called me rude for calling his friend a hobbit, he had no idea that I had been referring to him as "Penis Man" for the majority of the night. One more beer and I probably would have let him in on his new nickname, but since I wasn't quite to that point, I retaliated with a new approach.
"Did you just call me rude?"
"Yeah. He doesn't look like Bilbo Baggins and he gets that all the time."
Well if he gets that all the time then maybe he does, Penis Man.
"Well. I've heard stories about you."
"What kind of stories?"
This is my attempt to remain mysterious: saying the same word over and over again. It works. Don't believe me? Watch this:
Okay, you're right. It doesn't work.
...anyway --- sorry, I'll stop now.
Really I'm just wasting time because the story ends there. I would have liked to say that I mentioned the penis thing and made the entire situation incredibly awkward and uncomfortable for the both of us, but I didn't because I had sworn to secrecy. And because I wasn't drunk enough.
...I just dedicated an entire blog post to someone else's genitalia. That's twenty minutes of my time spent on writing about a stranger's penis. I'd like to apologize to you, to myself, and to J.R.R. Tolkien. (But no apologies to you, Penis Man.)