Monday, September 9, 2013

This is Basically a Wish List in Disguise

Random Stories After Sleeping On My Kitchen Floor

Story #1

Don't ask me about the kitchen floor. That's between me and the tiles. (I know this isn't technically a "story.")

The End.

(But now it is.)

Story #2

Just a few weeks ago, I had my first day of school!

..for the eighteenth time.

I had class at 9:00am. The only reason I was still awake at three in the morning was because I couldn't decide if I wanted to shower or not. Wait - let me rephrase that. I had decided that I did not want to shower but I had not decided if I should have. Wait - I definitely should have because I had fleas and my hair looked like the BP oil spill, but I didn't know if I would.

I remember the days when I loved picking out my "first day of school" outfit. That was five years ago.

I remember the days when I loved getting to meet new classmates. That was ten years ago.

I remember the days when I loved waking up at 7 in the morning. That was never.

Timeline Time!
(Line of a time? Time for a line?)

1:00am - I start deliriously blogging about my indecision to bathe, which is just now getting posted.

3:00am - I lie in bed staring at the ceiling, wondering why I can't fall asleep.

4:00am - I lie in bed staring at the ceiling, wondering how much glow-in-the-dark stars cost.

5:00am - I'm still awake.

6:00am - You know you're going to have a long day when you have yet to go to bed and you hear your morning alarm go off. I hit "snooze" and watch in envy as my phone sleeps. Fuck you, phone.

7:00am - My sister informs me that she will not be able to give me a ride to school. I leave my house and begin walking to campus.

7:01am - It begins to pour. I have no umbrella, no raincoat, and bowling shoes.

8:15am - The streets of downtown Chattanooga start echoing with my screams of profanity.


8:16am - I look over to see a line of ten cars waiting at a stoplight. I make eye contact with three of the drivers, awkwardly nod my head, and continue screaming cuss words.

8:49am - I run into a campus bathroom and peel my soaking wet clothes off and change into a dress I had in my backpack.

8:59am - I make it to class with one minute to spare.

9:50am - Class is dismissed. I rise from my seat and slip on the puddle I had no idea I had created.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was my first day of school.

Story #3

Setting: Japanese restaurant.

me: Are they playing Mariah Carey?

friend: Yeah...they are...

me: Honestly, I love Mariah Carey. I don't know why. I'm obsessed with all her songs.

friend: Do you like her song, "Obsessed?"

me: I've actually never heard that one...when I said "all" her songs, I really meant the "all three that I know."

friend: You should listen to it, I really like it. She wrote it after she allegedly cheated on Nick Cannon with Eminem.


friend: Eight years ago.

me: Oh.

...if anyone has any other shocking news that happened eight years ago, please tell me now. Chances are I haven't heard about it.

Story #4

This procrastinating thing is getting out of hand. One moment I have sat down to write a paper and the next thing I know, I'm looking up Space Jam action figures. I open up my textbook to read an assigned chapter, and suddenly I'm online looking at Harold and Maude refrigerator magnets. I managed to neglect an entire assignment last night due to my inexplicable urge to design a lifesize cardboard-cutout of myself. Why myself? Because it'd be hilarious, that's why. It's a humor thing. Not some weird sexual thing. Don't even get me started on the Nic Cage pillowcases...(which are on sale on Amazon for $15.18 if you ever feel the need to make my wildest dreams come true). 

Story #5

I was on the kitchen floor because of the fleas in my bedroom. There. I said it. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY. You owe me now, though.


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