Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Skillet Nipples

"What'd you get?"


"Let me see the drinks menu."


"Irish Candy Apple? Apple pucker and Bailey's."

"Yeah, that's it."

"Wait...or was it the Creamy Bush?"

"The what?"

"Creamy Bush."

"Is that on there?"

"Apparently it's a cocktail. Mmmmmm."


"Bartender! I'll have a Yeast Infection, please!"

"That's disgusting."

After this conversation, I went home and looked up more mixed drink names to see if I could find something as appetizing as the Creamy Bush. I did this out of curiosity, boredom, and my now 12-day-sobriety-binge that leaves me no choice but to get drunk off of drink titles. Among the array of names, I found The Bushwacker, The Blowjob, The Buttery Nipple, The Barfer, The Purple Alaskan Thunderfuck, The Quick Fuck, The Orgasm, The Screaming Orgasm, and the ever-so-innocent Oatmeal Cookie. 

It struck me that my dreams of being a bartender had suddenly ended, for if anyone ordered some of the drinks I read, I'd take it quite differently.

"I'll have a Sex on the Beach."

You want sand wedged in your crevices? 

"I'd like a Paralyzer."

Exactly how many roofies would you like me to slip in that, miss?

"One White Lady, please."

I assure you, sir, one line of cocaine is not going to be enough. May I suggest five or six?

"Can I just have a Jungle Juice?"

Would you like a Lunchable on the side? Or perhaps a pack of Gushers?

"May I get a Rusty Nail?"

I'm sorry, ma'am, but you must be mistaken. This is a bar. The Senior Citizens Brothel is across the street.

"I think I'll get an Anus Burner tonight."

I'm sorry, sir, but you must be mistaken. This is a bar. The fraternity house is across the street.

"I'd love a Satan's Whisker."

Unfortunately, we're all out of his. But I can put a couple of my own pubes in there, if you'd like.

"I want The Last Word."


"Excuse me? Bartender? I said I want The Last Word, please."


I'll have to wait until I'm drinking again to bathe in the luxury of requesting any of these beverages. In the meantime, I'll have to give my current drink of choice its own creative name so I don't feel as left out.

"And what would you like to order, miss?"

"Hmmm...I think I'll have the Big Black Cock."

"I'm sorry?"

"I mean the Ebony Booty."

"The what?"

"Leper Colony."


"Toasted Penis."

"Frying Pan Fuck."

"Singed Syringe."

"Skillet Nipples."

"Torched Twat."

"A Monkey Fucked My Uncle."

"Ma'am...I'll have to ask another bartender if he knows---"

"A cup of coffee, please."

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