Monday, July 15, 2013

When a Father Calls

Phone Conversation I Had with My Father

me: Hello?

father: You have twenty-three cents in your bank account.

me: I'm good, how are you?

father: Are you listening to me?

me: Yes?

father: You have twenty-three cents in your bank account.

me: I know.

But really I didn't know.

father: It's Tuesday.

me: I know.

But really I thought it was Wednesday.

father: You have a fifty-two dollar charge at some place called The Honesty Pint---

me: The Honest Pint.

father: I don't care what it's called, Natasha. What I care about is the fact that you spent fifty-two dollars at a bar.

me: It's not a bar.

father: Oh, it's not?

me: It's a pub.

father: IT'S THE SAME THING.

me: Sorry! I didn't know!

But really I did know.

father: You need to explain to me why you're spending all of your money on alcohol when you should be saving for a car.

me: I'm not spending all of my---

father: You have twenty-three cents in your bank account.

me: Yes. You told me this.

father: How are you going to live off of twenty-three cents for the next six days?

me: I'll be fine. I'll just sell some stuff.

father: You cannot pawn your way through life, Natasha. You're going to end up homeless.

me: Homeless?

father: Homeless.

me: I'm not going to end up homeless.

father: You're a trainwreck.

me: A trainwreck?

father: You continue to spend all of your money on drinking and---

me: Did you really just call me a trainwreck?

father: LISTEN TO ME. You have another thirty dollar charge at Jax Liquors and---

me: Can you please stop looking up all the places I buy things from?

father: I'M PAYING FOR YOUR COLLEGE TUITION. I CAN DO WHAT I WANT.

me: I tried to drop out of school two years ago!

father: FINE. THEN DROP OUT OF SCHOOL.

me: I don't want to drop out of school anymore!

father: THEN YOUR ARGUMENT IS COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT, NATASHA.

me: You're wrong. It's relevant.

But really he's right. It's completely irrelevant.

father: You need to look in the mirror, Natasha.

me: I did. I've looked in the mirror like ten times today.

father: No. You need to look. In the mirror.

me: I have no idea what that means.

father: Your sister---

me: What does this have to do with her?

father: Look. I'm not saying your sister is better than you, but---

me: Okay well now it sounds like that's exactly what you're saying.

father: I'm not saying she's smarter than you, or---

me: You actually did say that once.

father: I never said that.

me: Yes you did. When we were in high school. She asked you who was smarter, and you said her. Then you said, "But Natasha is funnier." And then she got upset and left the dinner table.

father: Okay well I don't remember saying that.

me: It's fine. I'm really not offended. I'd rather be funny, anyway.

father: Okay. Well. Great. But that's not the issue here. The issue here is you have twenty-three cents in---

me: I'LL BE FINE.

father: I just don't understand this. Is this what you and your friends do? Spend all of your money in one night and then laugh about how broke you are the next day?

me: That is not what we do.

But really that's EXACTLY what we do. How does he know these things?

father: You have no car. You have---

me: I know, I---

father: LISTEN TO ME.

me: No, you listen to me!

father: NO. YOU LISTEN.

me: You listen!

father: YOU LISTEN.

me: I have to go.

father: If you dare hang up this phone, Natasha---

me: I really have to go to the bathroom.

father: Oh, okay.

me: I'll call you back in a sec.

father: Okay, I love you.

me: Love you, too.

father: Bye.


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