graphology (n.): The study of handwriting, especially when employed as a means of analyzing character.
This is what I have been studying today. As lame as it may seem, it is not nearly as boring as the activities I engaged in before resorting to the different ways to dot an i.
- Practicing my Scottish accent - after an hour, I have managed to perfect one word that I rarely even use in conversation. "Bird." This will be useful to me the next time someone wants to know what that flying animal in the sky is. Which no one asked ever.
- Walking back and forth to Wal-Mart twice - I didn't even need anything, which failed to occur to me until I arrived there and grabbed the first thing I saw: a flavored water on sale for 33 cents. On the second trip there, I got another. Neither have been opened yet. I don't even think I drink flavored water. I guess I do now.
- Staring at an empty bag of candy - wishing it was full.
- Frequent trips to the bathroom - even when I don't have to pee. I think I've released a total of five drops in the last two hours. Did you need to know this? Not really.
And now here I am at graphology. According to the experiments, I have learned the following:
1. Heavy pressure means you are good with commitment and are uptight. All this time, I thought it meant I was low on ink. Now I'm told it means I'm monogamous and have a stick up my ass.
2. Writing quickly means you are impatient and hate wasting time, whereas writing slowly means you are organized and self-reliant. I write quickly. Apparently this means I'm dependent and messy. So what does that make doctors?
3. If your signature is legible, you are confident and comfortable in your own skin; you don't need to pretend you're something you're not. If it's not legible, you are very private and hard to understand. Whose signature is legible? I mean, really? If your signature is legible, it means you rarely purchase things with a card. You're either a server or a broke ass mother fucker. That's what that means.
4. If you write in the left-hand margin, you tend to live in the past. Or you are educated and learned in Kindergarten that that's where you're supposed to start writing.
5. If you write all over the page, your mind is constantly running. Also known as schizophrenia.
6. If you write in the right-hand margin, you fear the unknown. Because you're in Asia.
7. If your letter "s" is wide toward the bottom, you may not be following your heart. Or you may be putting way too much thought into the letter "s."
8. If your letter "o" is closed, you are very private and have trouble expressing your feelings. But at least you know the difference between an "o" and a "u."
9. If you cross your letter "t" at the very top, you have good self-esteem. If you cross them in the middle, you are confident. I was going to make a crack at the difference between upper and lower case letters, but either way, it means the same damn thing.
10. If you dot your "i" very high above it, you have a great imagination. And you should probably see your optometrist for a new prescription.
...everyone types nowadays, anyway. I'm going to go ahead and give graphology the bird (did I mention I can say that in a Scottish accent)?