Saturday, July 6, 2013

Tickle Me This

I felt a light tickle on my arm today.

"Ooh," I thought, "A tickle..." (That looks much creepier when I type it. It was really just a fleeting thought, not a moment of delight. I mean I guess it felt kind of nice but it was only for a pinch of time and not really a prolonged pleasure. I mean, if you felt a little tickle-tickle, you may think for a split second, "Oh! How nice this unexpected tickle is!" and then the sensation would pass and you'd move on with your life, but you'd appreciate the brevity of that one moment where you were tickled by surprise and...I'm making this worse, aren't I. Let's try this again.)

I felt a light tickle on my arm today.

"That was a tickle just then," I thought, "I'm sure of it." (That looks much stranger when I type it. Now I've made it out to seem like I have some condition where I can't differentiate a tickle from something more serious, like unwanted groping. Not that groping is ever really "wanted," I think it just happens and we have all been conditioned to accept it as normal. "I'm being grabbed. This is what people do." I know what a tickle feels like. Just to clarify. It's not like some deranged moment I have from childhood that has rendered me unable to feel a tickle. Now that I've said that, it seems like I do have a problem, and I'm not over it, and the one thing I want out of life is to know what it's like to be tickled. Can we start over? Do you mind? Scene one: take three!)

I felt a light tickle on my arm today.


It's not what you're thinking. Believe me, cock ambushes aren't exactly on my "Things to Blog About" list. Perhaps I have been sneak-attacked by a cock before, but you're not gonna know about it, because that's personal. (But since we're already on the subject, no I have not been blindly tickled by a penis. Ugh. The things you make me say. You should be ashamed of yourself.) 

I had wanted to end my exclamatory sentence with, "Roach," but I was too disgusted to even finish the word. So I ended up shouting, "HOLY SHIT, COCK" and then just thinking "ROACH!" in my head. In the heat of the moment, I didn't think this mattered. It was after I flicked the thing off of my arm that I remembered that the walls of my apartment are paper thin. And I mean THIN. Like toilet paper thin. And not Charmin. I'm talkin' Wal-Mart brand. (87 cents whadduppppppp.) 

I can hear every single thing from the apartment above me. Like last night, for instance.


"What the hell are you doin' outta bed? What do you want? Water? Bread? I'll give you water and bread if you look me in the damn eye and swear you won't lift your little ass from that bed again."

"Yes, Mommy."

"I think you mean 'Yes, MA'AM."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Now get in bed and I'll bring you your damn bread and water."

I don't know much about my neighbors, but from what I've gathered, they're running a prison for toddlers.

I began to grow paranoid that the people above me had heard me. There are only a few assumptions you can make about a person who strings together the words 'holy,' 'shit,' and 'cock' in that specific order. 

a) I had seen my very first penis and was very taken aback.
b) I had seen my hundredth penis and am still in awe of its shape.
c) I had gone to the bathroom only to discover that I had suddenly grown a penis of my own.

But that's not where it ends. What if they didn't catch all three words? What if they had dropped a plate the moment I said "holy" and only caught the "shit cock" part? Then what would they assume?

a) I had encountered a feces-coated penis.
b) I saw a turd shaped like a penis.
c) I had just taken part in anal sex.

BUT - what if the plate was dropped when I said "shit" and all they heard was "holy cock?"

a) Jesus came back. I saw him pissing outside my window.
b) Jesus came back. I saw him streaking past my window.
c) Jesus came. In my mouth.

I don't know what the neighbors heard, or what they assumed from what they did happen to catch. All I know is this: the tickle was brief, the bug is gone, and apparently I associate cockroaches with the penis of Christ.


Anthony said...

Now I want you to re-read this whole post in the form of an episode of "Doug" with all the wispy *Hwaaahhwaahwaah...* noises in between each thought bubble.

For example:
c) *Slurp gurgle choke skeet* HOLY [plate] COCK!

It's especially hilarious because there are so many penises in your thought bubbles.
Dunno who I'm more concerned for: you, or the people who tickle you :U

Natasha said...

If you're concerned for me, then that makes two of us. On a different note...BONUS POINTS FOR BRINGING DOUG INTO THIS.