Saturday, July 20, 2013

If You Can Pepper It...

"I think we're all good and bad, but good's not funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out, and then you can be funny." - Larry David

I hear a lot of disturbing things when it comes to relationships. People cheating, people getting cheated on, domestic violence, she has an STI, he has an STD, that party I wanna go to is BYOB...

The list goes on.

I'm struggling right now with saying what I want to say without saying why I'm saying it. Can I just leave it to you? Or Beaver? (My options are slim here.) How about you read to three and then I go?




What astounds me the most out of all of those things is the geographical capacity of a penis. (Now, I know the bullshit goes both ways, and that women can be just as bad - if not WORSE - than men, but I'm not concerned with any vagina except my own.) I mean, how many places can it possibly travel to? Since when does a penis have unlimited frequent flyer miles? What is this thing called Penis and why don't I have one? Everyone is worried about where in the world Carmen San Diego is when really they should be worried about where all the penises are. 

"Excuse me, Milton? Bradley? Hasbro? Parker Brothers? Whatever pervert invented Twister? I have an idea for the next board game."

"And what age range would this accompany? Ages two to four? Ten and up?"

"Uh...whenever boys hit puberty. So thirteen and up, I guess? HA! Get it? Thirteen and up?"


"Up? You know, like an erection? Thirteen and up? Thirteen and erect? Like---"

"Yes, Ms. Ferrier, we understand the inappropriate humor. Now please continue with your idea."

"Well, you know how you come out with different versions of Monopoly? You have TV show versions...a World War II version..."

"Ah, yes. Only geniuses like us could associate Nazis with family fun!"

"Uh...right. Anyway, I was thinking we could have another version of Where in the World is Carmen San Diego."

"Interesting...go on."

"Well everyone is getting pretty sick of this Carmen chick. Why can't she sit still? If she has all this money to travel, why is she always wearing the same outfit? Can she not afford new clothes? And why does she keep skipping town? Sounds like a drug dealer to me. Anyone could tell you that. Carmen San Diego. In Colombia. With the cocaine."

"We're not talking about Clue, Ms. Ferrier."

"Right, right. Sorry. SORRY! Get it?"


"You know, cause Sorry is another board game. Like---"

"Ahem. Ms. Ferrier. Please."

"OKAY okay. So. I think we should make a new version. We'll call it: Where in the World is My Boyfriend's Penis?"

"That is absolutely out of the question."

"Actually, I think it's questioned every single day."

"Well it's entirely inappropriate. Not to mention creepy."

"How is it creepy? Girls ask their boyfriends where they are all the time. And you know what is with a boy all the time? His penis. So basically when girls say, "Where are you, babe?" what they're really saying is, "Where is your penis located?""

"I think most people know where that part of the body is located."

"Yeah, anatomically, but not geographically. The coordinates of a penis can change. Not to mention its cardinal direction. North, south, east, w---"

"Yes, Ms. Ferrier, we know what the cardinal directions are."

"I mean, that thing can go anywhere. You can put it in anything, really. Like salt and pepper."

"That is a horrible analogy."

"What? No it isn't. If you can pepper it, you can penis it."

"You can what?"

"Penis it."

"Since when did 'penis' become a verb?"

"Since it started describing action."

"We disagree."

"Well, you're wrong. You can replace 'penis' with any of the verbs you have in your other board game titles. Connect Four: Penis Four. Guess Who?: Penis Who? Don't Wake Daddy: Don't Penis Daddy."

"You're getting out of control."

"No, this is getting out of control: Apples to Apples: Penis to Penis. Candy Land: Penis Land. Uno: Uno PENIS!"

"This is absurd."

"Would you rather me vagina it?"

"We'd rather you stop talking."

"Well. Think it over, please. It'd be a hit. Especially with divorced women and feminists."

"That's not politically correct."

"But it's politically ERECT!"

"That makes no sense."

"Yeah but it rhymed."

"Just because it rhymes doesn't make it relevant."

"Dr. Seuss would disagree."

"You are crazy."

"Jew car lazy."

"Jew car lazy?"

"I don't know, maybe?"

"This meeting is over."

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