My family came into town this weekend to visit my sister and I for a couple of days. This includes: me, my dad, my 20-year-old sister, my 9-year-old sister, and my 6-year-old brother.
This Is How Car Rides Go
brother: Natasha always poots. That's the only thing I've written in my diary.
adult sister: You have a diary? That's really cool!
kid sister: No it's nooooooot, diaries are for girls only.
brother: No they're NOT. They're for important stuff. Like how Natasha always poots.
me: Alright, enough. You're lying. One, I never poot. Two, you did not write that in your diary.
kid sister: Everyone poops, DUH.
me: Poots, not poops.
brother: Natasha poots and poops.
me: This is just a really unnecessary conversation.
brother: I wrote it in my diary.
kid sister: Do you really have a diary?
brother: I JUST TOLD YOU THAT A MILLION KAJILLION TIMES. I HAVE A DIARY, OKAY?!
me: Wait...so you do or you don't...
brother: I KNOW YOU HEARD ME. NOW STOP IT, OKAY? JUST STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
dad: Natasha, leave your brother alone.
me: He started it!
dad: He's six.
kid sister; EVERYBODY, HOLD ON. I have an important announcement to make!
me: What's that?
kid sister: Actually, it's more of a question, not an announcement.
me: Okay, what is it?
kid sister: Well, it's kind of an announcement because I'll be announcing the question, so ---
me: JUST TELL US WHAT IT IS.
kid sister: Is it illegal to punch someone?
brother: Yeah but you can kick them in the penis to make them throw up.
kid sister: IT'S TRUE, NATASHA. Everyone says so. You have to kick someone in the penis.
brother: Then their face turns green and they puke everywhere, like this, BLEHHHHH AYYYYY OOOOOOOOOO EEEEEEEE ---"
kid sister: Stop it, that's annoying. And that's not how people throw up.
brother: Yes it is.
kid sister: No it's not.
brother: Yes it is.
baby sister: No it's not.
brother: YES IT IS AHHHHHHHHHH!
dad: Guys! Stop yelling, please. Anybody need anything from the store?
kid sister: CHOCOLATE MILK!
adult sister: Are you a kid now, too, Natasha?
me: He asked if anyone needed anything, not just the kids.
adult sister: You need candy?
me: Yes. I do. I need it to survive. I WILL DIE WITHOUT SOUR PATCH KIDS.
kid sister: Daddy! Natasha said she's going to die!
dad: Don't worry, no one is going to die.
me: Except 9-year-olds...WHO I WILL EAT!
kid sister: DADDY, HELP! Natasha said she's going to eat me!
brother: Eat me, too! Eat me, too!
me: I WILL EAT ALL THE CHILDREN IN THE WORLD!
kid sister: Why are you cheering? That makes no sense. She just said she's going to eat us. That's a bad thing, duh.
brother: I'LL EAT YOU, TOO!
kid sister! Daddy! Now everyone is trying to eat me!
dad: Guys, no running in the store, please.
adult sister: Natasha's the only one running around.
dad: Natasha, set an example for your siblings.
me: I think you mean...SET AN EXAMPLE FOR MY DELICIOUS LUNCH NAM NAM NAM NAM!
kid sister: Wait, wait! Time-out!
me: Okay, what's up?
kid sister: What was that guy's name?
kid sister: That guy you were talking about in the car.
me: ...what guy?
kid sister: The guy you were whispering about to Katrina.
baby sister: You know.
me: I actually...don't...
baby sister: The guy you said was really nice and he always talks to you and he works here and you think he's cute but you said he was kinda shy and awkward but you said you liked that and then OH YEAH! I remember his name now! BOB! BOB! HEY BOB!
me: STOP IT! (I grab my sister and pull her into a deserted aisle, clasping my hand over her mouth. I give her a second before I let go.) (Oh yeah, and I changed the name being used to protect my privacy.)
baby sister: Are you kidnapping me, Natasha?
me: No, I am not kidnapping you.
baby sister: Okay, good. BOB! OHHHH BOBBBBBBBBB!
me: STOP IT!
baby sister: Why? Don't you want to get his attention?
baby sister: Why not?
me: Because that's not my job.
baby sister: Who's job is it?
me: No one's. I prefer to like from afar.
baby sister: What's THAT supposed to mean?
me: It means I am living out my fantasy without ever making it reality.
kid sister: Why?
me: Because it's a lot more fun to play pretend. Then I can control EVERYTHING!
kid sister: I don't understand you. You're weird.
me: YOU'RE the one screaming people's names.
kid sister: YOU'RE the one who won't even talk to guys.
me: Since when are you the love guru?
kid sister: What's a guru?
me: Like a Mr. Miyagi.
kid sister: Who's Mr. Miyagi?
me: Like Jesus. Like me, basically.
kid sister: (gasp!) I'M TELLING DADDY YOU SAID YOU WERE JESUS.
me: He knows I am. Dad, tell her I'm Jesus.
dad: You are not Jesus.
kid sister: See? You're a liar!
me: He's just protecting you from the truth.
brother: Hey, you're just kidding, right? You're just kidding!
me: I am not kidding.
brother: But really you are kidding, right? Really you're kidding?
kid sister: Don't listen to anything she says. She's CRAZY.
me: At least I'm not a giant nerd like your other big sister.
kid sister: Katrina! Natasha called you a giant nerd!
me: She knows she's a nerd. All math majors are nerds.
adult sister: Then what do you call English majors?
me: We are the starving artists. The creative folk. The entrepreneurs.
adult sister: Entrepreneurs?
me: Uh YEAH. Remember The Cool Girls Coloring Book? I made like 12 cents off that baby and I was six years old.
kid sister: Why are you bringing stuff up from centuries ago?
adult sister: Because that was the highlight of Natasha's life. 1996. The Cool Girls Coloring Book. Her greatest achievement.
me: Um RUDE. There was also The Road-Tripper Sipper.
kid sister: What's The Road-Tripper Sipper?
me: Nothing, nevermind.
kid sister: Fine then. BOB! HEY BOB!
brother: BOB! BOB!
me: I'll be waiting in the car.