Tuesday, July 9, 2013

The Silent Stalker

I haven't been drinking, which means my nightly activities consist of living vicariously through people on facebook. This is pathetic, yes, but it pales in comparison to other situations I have found myself in. Like yesterday, for instance.

Yesterday's Pathy
(If apathetic has apathy and sympathetic has sympathy, then pathetic should have pathy. I'm an English major. I'm allowed to make up words. Higgleyjoo.)

I get a ride downtown from a friend, but we reach my destination before I've even began eating the breakfast I had brought with me. This would be okay if it was something I could throw in my backpack and save for later. However, it wasn't. I end up roaming the streets of downtown with a giant stick of celery in one hand and an enormous jar of peanut butter in the other. Not only that, but I'm at the bottom of the jar, so I have to reach my entire forearm in it to dip the stalk, covering my right limb in nutty goop. It hits me that I'm one shopping cart away from people approaching me with their nickels. Except not really, because I don't even have enough shit to fill a shopping cart. All I have is celery and peanut butter, which is the same as saying all I have is protein and water. At least my knuckles taste delicious.

Nonetheless, I'd rather be seen as homeless than not be seen at all. Since every evening activity among people my age involves drinking, I'm not granted this option. I sit at home and silently stalk people until I get extremely annoyed by our population's stupidity. Then I stalk some more.

People's Facebook Statuses: Did We Ever Evolve?
A psychoanalysis by Dr. Ferrier, amateur psychologist and borderline munchkin

"I'm so over him."

What this really means is: I'm not over him at all. I'm thinking about him right now. And publishing these thoughts for everyone to see. But the only person I really want to see it is him. Surely I will win him back with this status update. All is fair in love and facebook.

"The time in the night when you're so drunk you can drink liquor straight."

What this really means is: The time in the night when everyone wonders why you're on facebook.

"Sleeping alone again tonight."

What this really means is: I slept alone for eighteen years, and yet I'm still not used to it. No one has taught me the secret technique of turning the pillow vertically.

"I wrecked my car today!"

What this really means is: I want a bunch of people to comment on this asking if I'm okay so I know people care about me. Wait...why did I just get four "likes" on this? What the hell is that supposed to mean?

"I don't need her."

What this really means is: But I need her to see this.

"My baby kicked today! Lol ; ) #preggers #teenmom #tacobell4lyfe"

What this means is: I am way too fucking young to be having sex.

Since some of these may resemble anyone reading this, I'm going to make you feel better by making fun of myself now. See? I'm not that cruel. I'll laugh at you, but I'll also laugh at myself. It's called sucking it up.

My Facebook Statuses from the Past
My parents never should have allowed me to have a computer in high school.

"Make-out March!"

What this really means is: I've never made out with anyone but I want people to think that I do all the time. I'm a horny liar.

"I'm going to a metal concert tonight! YEAH THAT'S RIGHT. METAL."

What this really means is: Please think I'm a badass, please think I'm a badass. (Apparently, a couple months after posting this, I "got married." I don't remember doing this.)

"But do you mean it?"

What this really means is: He probably doesn't. If your relationship was that strong, you'd ask him this, instead of interrogating facebook. Whoever "he" even is. Quit making an ass of yourself, 17-year-old Natasha.

"helloooooo tangelloooooo"

What this really means is: I have no fucking idea. I need medication?

I'd continue writing, but I have some stalking to do.

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