Thursday, July 4, 2013


"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."  - Thomas Edison

I didn't include that quote to inspire you. I included it because I'm about to give you a list of things that don't work. Before I do, however, I'll balance out the pessimism by including a list of things that do work:

- my wine bottle opener

Alright! Now that we have that covered, let's delve into our second list, which may seem negligible to you at first, but once you're done'll be done reading. Sorry if that reward isn't as satisfying as you thought it would be. That's what you get for making assumptions.

Things That Don't Work

1. You're seven years old and you have the chicken pox. Your parents decide to make a Walgreens run to get you some anti-itch cream, but they don't want to leave you and your sister - who is also infected - home alone. At the same time, they don't want the public eye to see two wandering children covered in red spots in the toy aisle, spreading their potentially-deathly disease to all of the Betty Spaghettis. Your parents then decide that the best way to draw attention away from their children is to cover every inch of their skin from head to toe. This could work if it was winter time. However, it is mid-August. You get led into the pharmacy under a scorching sun wearing mittens, a parka, a beanie, and snow boots. You also have a scarf wrapped around your face. 

"Keep your head down," your parents warn you.

Now you are wandering Walgreens dressed as an eskimo who has no neck muscles. The only visible area of your skin is your nose, which you are quickly advised to keep directed toward the tiles. Since you can't see, you and your sister keep running into drink displays, unintentionally imposing your chicken pox germs on the Fruitopia. You raise your head to ask a question, but are immediately interrogated.

"What are you doing? Head down, head down!"

You put your head back down.

Your sister and you try to help guide each other through the store, but since both of you have been robbed of your eyesight, you keep bumping into each other. Since the both of you are abnormally petite for your age, these constant run-ins cause the both of you to propel off of one another's bodies, leading to more Coca-Cola collisions. 

"Stop bumping into things!"

"We can't see!"

"Be quiet, girls! Don't say a word! We don't want to attract attention to ourselves!"

When they're not looking, you and your sister peek up from your ski goggles to look at the customers around you. They are all staring back, possibly wondering how the two of you had managed to escape the set of The Thing. Your parents had thought that dressing you as Antarctica enthusiasts in the middle of summer would not attract any attention. 

...this doesn't work.

2. Your friend is upset with you and wants to have a talk about it. You don't even realize how nervous you are until it hits you that you have been playing musical chairs around your apartment for the last hour - without the chairs. And without the music. (That's my abstract way of saying you were pacing.) You decide that the best way to lighten the mood of the forthcoming conversation is to have a ridiculous yet strategic approach, so you make notecards. Your friend shows up and though you had a very smooth introduction planned, your nerves suddenly kick in and you end up blurting out, "I have notecards!"


"I have notecards!"

"Don't do that."

"But I have notecards."

"Put those away."


"Please don't."

The conversation ensues, but really all you can think about are your unused notecards. Once there is a pause in the conversation, you seize the opportunity.

"I still have these notecards."

"We don't need notecards."

"I need notecards."

"You do not need notecards."

"Can I please use my notecards?"


It hits you that you have never used the word "notecards" so many times in one sitting. This does not faze you from stopping.

"I'm reading my notecards."


"Ahem. Oh...why, hello there!' "

"Please put the notecards away."

"You only let me say one!"

"Yeah, well --- "

"And that one doesn't even count! All it says is hello!"

"We should be able to talk without notecards."


You then see this as the opportune moment to hand over a packet of Taco Bell sauce. 

"Please don't."

"Well, I did. That was supposed to go at the end of the notecards, but since you won't let me read them, I had to whip it out early."

You glance down at your last notecard in the stack. It reads: (sauce).

You thought that notecards and sauce combined would render your opponent helpless and result in your immediate victory. Batman has his Batmobile, Spiderman has his Spidey sense, Superman has his underwear on the outside of his leggings, you have sauce and notecards.

...this doesn't work.

3. You meet up with your female friends to have a few drinks. The three of you immediately start bitching about the woes of being a woman, causing any passerby to think that you're either at a feminist meeting or a divorced women's support group.

"They just don't GET IT."

"I know, men."

"Yeah. Men."



"Fuck em."

"Yeah, fuck em!"

"Not like...fuck but ---"

"Yeah yeah, we got it."

"Just clarifying."

"It'd just be way easier if we were lesbians."

"We'd probably make some awesome lesbians."

"Surely none of this can be politically correct."

"That guy just lifted a chair over his head and hit the fan."

"That's so stupid. MEN."

"Yeah, men."



"So uh...I've been writing...and..."


"Really I'm just trying to switch the subject from men to something men would be talking about. What do they talk about? How successful they are? Should I be talking about business cards or something?"

"I don't know what men talk about. Their bitches?"

"Their money?"

"Their penis?"

"I don't have a penis."

"We could talk about someone else's penis."

"Who's penis?"

"I don't know."

"This would be much easier if we had penises."

"We could talk about our vaginas?"

"Mine's doing fine..."

"This isn't working."

"Your vagina?"

"This conversation."

"It's al because of men."

"Good god. Men."

"Yeah, men."



You had thought that meeting up with all females would get your mind off of men.

...this never works.

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