Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Ed, Edd, and Homeless Eddy

Random Conversations After Asking a Full-Grown, Black Man If He Needed a Kid's Menu

Conversation #1

"Your delivery was too dry."

This is how he responded to my question.

"Oh," I replied, "Did you think I was serious?"

"Yeah! You have to change up your delivery. Perhaps say it like this: Now I KNOW you want a kid's MENU!"

"Ah...I see...so put emphasis on the word "menu." Gotcha."

"No, like MENU!"

"Ah...I see...so scream the word "menu." Then you would have known I was kidding. Right."

I decided not to tell him that I work professionally as a comedian.

I also decided not to tell him that I figured it was understood that I would not assume a 6'3" male to be between the ages of 1 and 5.

I should have seen this as a sign that no one was in the mood for humor that day, because things only got worse from there.

Awkward Encounter A

"You can sit here, ma'am."

"A booth, great! I'm exhausted. I just got done playing the harp at a bridal shower for three and a half hours."

"WOW. The harp? That's amazing! I've never heard anyone say the play the harp before. It's a beautiful instrument."

"Yes, I've been playing for 21 years."

"That's so impressive! I'm more of a cowbell player, myself."

"Oh...are you? How long have you been playing that?"

"Um...that was a...joke ENJOY YOUR MEAL!"

Awkward Encounter B

"I see you guys only have one fork...did you four want to just share that one?"



Awkward Encounter C

"Excuse me, hostess? We only have two chairs at our table and there are three of us."

"I thought one of you may want to stand for the duration of your meal."

"No. We'd like a chair."

"Right right I was only...joking LET ME GET THAT CHAIR FOR YA!"

Awkward Encounter D

A woman and her awkward-teen-phase son come in and ask for a table for two. I seat them, and as I'm handing the 15-year-old his menu, our fingers accidentally touch.

"Oooh we just touched haaaaaaandssss hehehehehe!" I giggle in my best nerd-voice.

His mother laughs. He grunts and scoots his chair away from me. I quickly walk away.

Conversation #2

My sister and I are at a coffee shop discussing how obsessed people can become with their pets. Really I'm the only one saying anything.

"Some people just treat their dogs LIKE FUCKING ROYALTY."

"Don't yell."

"I wasn't yelling."

"I know you don't realize when you're yelling, but you just screamed in my ear."

"Sorry. I can't help it."

"I know you can't, but I don't think it's cute."

"Who said anyone thought it was cute?"

"You think it's cute."

"I do not think the inability to control the volume of my voice is cute."

"Well you think other people think it's cute."

"Because some of them do."


"Whatever. What were we talking about?"

"Dog people. They're like cat people but they're more fit and they leave the house."


Conversation #3

"Yeah, he was all like, 'I ate her out' and stuff."

"Wait...he actually used the phrase ate her out?"


"Ugh. We're in our twenties now. Can we please evolve to something more like, performed oral sex? I don't know. The term "ate her out" seems so immature. We already have Nap Time after sex. We don't need to include Snack Time."

Conversation #4

Homeless man #1: Eddy? Is that you?

me: No, I'm sorry. I am not Eddy.

Homeless man #2: Excuse me, miss? Are you homeless?

...this all occurred within a span of ten minutes. I had no idea my work attire screamed "Homeless Eddy."

Conversation #5

I'm at a crowded bar with some friends when one of them comes up to me.

"Some girl just ran into me and apologized and I said, 'It's okay...I've never touched a girl before...'  "

"What'd she do?"

"She just gave me a weird look and walked away."

"I'd probably do the same thing."

A few minutes later.

"A girl just ran into me again."


"And I said, 'I've never touched a girl before...' "

"You're going to make every female in here very uncomfortable."

"Yeah, but then I said, 'Just kidding. I have sex ALL THE TIME.' "

"What'd she do?"

"She kinda laughed with pity and then---"

"Walked away?"


"Let's just make everyone in here really uncomfortable."

"Let's start separating couples and yell, LEAVE ROOM FOR JESUS!"


...this is why cat people never leave the house. Because this is what we end up doing.

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