Thursday, July 11, 2013

The Exterminator: He Won't Be Back

Conversation I Just Had with the Two Random Men Who Appeared at My Front Door Today

(loud knocking)

(more loud knocking)

(sound of sheets rustling as I toss around in my bed trying to block out the sound)

(cat making creepy noises that sound like, "Why? Why? Why?")

(more loud knocking)

stranger 1: EXTERMINATOR!

(more loud knocking)

(sound of key turning in my lock)

(sound of me jumping out of bed because someone is breaking into my home)

me: (running to the front door) Can I help you?

stranger 1: We're the exterminators, ma'am. We had an appointment scheduled for today.

me: (rubbing eyes and yawning, annoyed that I've been woken up at the crack of dawn) What time is it?

stranger 1: It's 2 o'clock, ma'am.

me: (realizing it's not the crack of dawn) TWO?

stranger 1: Yes ma'am.

me: Oh. Sorry, I have insomnia. (realizing it's way too early for me to be talking to people because I end up spouting off different versions of, "I have mental problems. Let me go get my straight jacket real quick.")

stranger: Uh, well, we had an appointment.

me: I didn't have an appointment.

stranger 1: We're going through all the apartments in this complex today. You should have been notified by your realtor.

me: (realizing I haven't checked my mail since I moved in here six weeks ago) I wasn't notified. 

stranger 1: Well we just want to take a look in your kitchen.

me: (turning around to look at my kitchen) Can you come back another time? I'm sorry, I'm embarrassed at the mess right now. I was going to clean today.

stranger 2: (stays silent, but peeks over stranger 1's shoulder to look at my kitchen. I become annoyed because this is extremely unnecessary, since my cat ate the blinds of my front window. He can just look through there.)

me: My cat ate my blinds.

stranger 1: .........

me: (realizing this statement would have made much more sense if it was in context) Right there. (pointing at the blinds, in case they didn't know what blinds were)

stranger 1: Um well...would you like us to skip over you then?

me: Yeah, could you? I'm sorry, I'm just not prepared. I don't have any bugs, anyway. (a fly zooms past my face right as I say this.)

stranger 1: Yeah, that's fine, ma'am. Can I just make sure this key works real quick?

me: Uh...yeah? (confused, so I close the door)

stranger 1: Ma'am? We're still here.

me: Oh, sorry! (embarrassed, so I open the door)

stranger 1: I just need to see if the lock comes in and out. (he puts a key in my door and locks and unlocks it)

me: works. (WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE A KEY TO MY APARTMENT. Was there some free giveaway no one told me about? "FREE KEYS TO NATASHA'S APARTMENT! COME AND GET EM! YOU, TOO, MAILMAN! DON'T BE SHY!")

stranger 1: Well, have a good day, ma'am!

me: Thanks. You, too. Sorry again. (I then run to my bathtub.) Don't worry, Ochita. The bad guys are gone now.

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