Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Try Not to Picture Any of This, Please

I had no hot water today and I needed to shower. You know how people say, "It's not cold" in the winter time to try and trick themselves into feeling warm? You know how this never works? Surprisingly, it does work with cold showers.


Picture this: Actually, don't picture anything I'm about to tell you because it involves me being naked and I'd really rather you not have that image in your head. Not that it's a BAD image, in fact, it's probably a great---

I am stopping now. I feel awkward and I'm not even with anyone.


Well, now that you have a brand new image in your head --- wait, did you not picture it?

Your grandma.



Do you have it now? Great. Let's continue. (Perv.)

The whole thing was a nightmare. I'm cowering in the corner because the water is freezing and there's a dead spider floating at the bottom of the tub and a clump of my hair just fell out and there's a window in my shower which makes no fucking sense whatsoever and for some reason I thought it was a brilliant idea to buy this shower curtain:

Basically, if I was murdered by someone - which could easily happen CAUSE THERE'S A WINDOW IN MY SHOWER - it would be the most pathetic death ever. On the bright side, it would leave every detective absolutely stumped.

"Well, she obviously died in the shower..."

"Do you expect foul play?"

"I'm not sure. This whole scene of the crime is baffling."

"How so, Captain?"

"Well. She's in the shower. With the water running. But she's completely dry."




"I don't see anyone!"

"Look! A dead spider!"

"Hmmm...two dead bodies. Both naked. In the shower. But not wet..."

"That is quite odd..."

"Not to mention...there are no towels in the apartment..."

My reputation as a clothed person would be shot. As well as my reputation as a bather. 

However, I didn't die, which is really a shame because to die naked it to die a hero. Okay, so I made that up.

After this torturous experience which really only involved me washing my hair, which took forever because I could only handle my head underwater for ten seconds at a time, I looked up the benefits of cold showers and found a very helpful article.

It began with the question, How many of us can say we take cold showers? - which led me to believe that perhaps I was reading something written in the 1800s. Despite this, I read on. The benefits to cold showers include:

1. Strengthens immunity
2. Improves blood circulation
3. Regulates temperature
4. Promotes weight loss/increases metabolism
5. Alleviates depression
6. Improves lymphatic movement
7. Deepens breathing
8. Keeps skin and hair healthy
9. Increases energy and well-being
10. Increases hormone production

So what I got from this was that after my cold shower, I should have felt like a horny yoga instructor.

This differed substantially from my own list of benefits, which are the following:

1. Strengthens feelings of pain and discomfort
2. Improves stiffness of joints
3. Regulates flashbacks to the movie Titanic
4. Promotes motivation to get out of the shower
5. Alleviates previous doubts about hot showers
6. Improves your dream of moving to Hawaii
7. Deepens your desire to just stay dirty
8. Keeps you in the corner of the tub
9. Increases goosebumps
10. Increases your motivation to pay your next water bill

I did agree with the last part of the article, which read like this:

How to Start

A great way to start taking cold showers is to turn the water to cold.

I stopped reading after this. I think I got it covered.

...unlike your grandma. Who is completely uncovered. (Perv.)

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