Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Accidentally Sober

"Natasha, this is getting out of hand."

"I know. I've been on a serious binge."

"We need to have an intervention. Right now."

"Guys, I'm okay, I promise."

"You said you'd only keep this up for two weeks. It's been over two now."

"Twenty-four days, to be exact."

"Holy shit, it's been over three weeks?"

"I know. This has all been an accident."

"You've been sober for almost a month?!"

"Accidentally sober."

"How did this happen?"

"I don't know. It just started and then it wouldn't stop."

"We need to get you drunk."

"I know. I just don't know if I can quit."

"You're not the same person anymore."


"This has gotten out of control."

"You're right. I'm out of control."

"You're definitely out of control."

"Way out of control."

"I'm surprised you even went two DAYS."

"Come on, I wasn't that bad."

"You were getting wasted every night."

"Well, when you put it like that..."

"You were peeing on yourself every week."


"You remember? I thought you were black-out when that happened."

"Well...not the peeing part. Just the waking up in pee part."

"You were raiding our fridge in the middle of the night and eating all our food in the bathtub."

"I was never in the bathtub."

"Then why did I find a bunch of empty to-go boxes under my sink?"

"I was in the bathroom."

"That's disgusting."

"Which is why I'm not drinking."

"For how long?"

"I don't know. I kinda wanna make it to a month now."


"I don't know if that's a good idea..."


Why That's Not a Good Idea
Things I Tend to Do When I Black Out

- yell inappropriate things around children

Example: I went to a baseball game after I had consumed a giant bottle of wine. You know, the kind of bottle that is meant to be shared among five or more people. I remember getting to the game, losing the friends I had arrived there with, and wandering the stands for thirty minutes complaining to every passerby that "I did not come alone," "I don't even like baseball," and "my friends are assholes." After I found them, seated comfortably in their seats with no apparent awareness that I had been missing for days (to which they responded, "It hasn't been days"), I started buying beer. This is the last thing I remember, but that doesn't mean this is the last thing that occurred.

"I'm never going to a baseball game with you again."

"YOU GUYS are the one who walked off and LEFT ME."

"That didn't mean you had to start shouting at all of the baseball players who went up to bat."

"What? I wasn't shouting at anyone."

"I knew it! You blacked out, didn't you?"

"What? What are you talking about?"

"You were yelling crude things. While we were sitting behind a family of four."

"Good math there."

"Do you not remember anything you said?"

"...what'd I say?"

"The most specific one I remember is..."Fuck my cunt with your baseball bat." "



"I did NOT say that."

"You didn't say it."

"I knew it!"

"You screamed it."

"There's no way I said that. I've never even thought such a thing."

"Well you thought it last night. And then you let everyone know about it."

"But they didn't hear me, right?"

"We were sitting right behind home plate."

"What? No! We were up in the stands in the General Admission section!"

"We were, but then we moved to the nicer seats since no one was sitting in them. Except a family. With children."

"I don't even use the word "cunt." "

"Well last night you used a lot of words I've never heard you say."

"Just for the record, I don't want any baseball bats near my genital area. One word: splinters."

- jump in front of moving vehicles

Example: My friends and I were walking back to our cars from downtown. There was some event that night, so one parking lot we passed through was full of lines of cars driving to exit. I remember the cars, and I remember that the moving cars had people in them.

"How'd you get so drunk last night, Natasha?"

"What? Could you tell I was drunk?"

"Yes! You were being hilarious!"

"Oh, well that's refreshing. Usually when I get black out, I get bitched at."

"Well, some people were annoyed, but you were cracking me up."

"What was I doing?"

"You were jumping in front of every moving car and when they'd get mad and honk at you, you'd yell, "It's okay! I'M INVINCIBLE!" "

"God fuck."

"It was funny, though. You even started doing little dance moves in front of the cars."

"Great. Awesome. Wonderful."

- reveal incredibly personal information

Example: I was hanging out with a bunch of my friends at their apartment. I remember opening a handle of liquor. I remember there was nothing to chase it with.

"Guys, I completely blacked out last night."

"You don't remember anything?"

"Well I remember when you guys got the guitar out and everyone was singing and making up songs as we went..."

"Woah...we were awake for hours after that happened."

"Wait, was I awake, too?"

"OH yeah."

"Oh no."

"Don't worry, you were extremely entertaining."

"Oh no."

"No, really. Everything you said was either really, really mean or really, really witty. You weren't talking much, either, but every time you opened your mouth, it was a gem."

"Damn! I wish I could remember!"

"Oh shit...do you remember that one thing you said?"



"Oh no."

"We were all singing some song we were improvising about the devil, and at one point we were all chanting "SIX SIX SIX! SIX SIX SIX!" and then we finished, and everything got quiet, and you whispered, "I started masturbating when I was six." "


"It's okay! We all just busted out laughing!"

"So when are you going to start drinking again?"

"Um I don't know, NEVER."

"You should blackout with us at least once this week."

"That is definitely not a good idea."

"It would give you something to write about."

"Well, when you put it like that..."

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